Missing (in) Action

If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son...

2008-06-17T02:24:00.003-05:00

Where was I? New job in KC? Yeah, that didn't happen. Next few jobs that got into my sights didn't happen either. I don't take disappointment well. I was looking forward to the thought of moving. It's tempting to be able to start with a clean slate. Only problem is that your past has a way of sneaking up and slapping the shit out of you.

So I'm just trying to keep my head down at work so I can possibly get out of this department I'm in now. I can tell that it's affecting my life in seriously negative ways. I just don't even want to get near a phone these days. I have a voicemail on my cell right now that I haven't listened to from Friday. I really don't want to hear anyone else's crap right now. I can't even handle my own.

My nerves are on edge as I'm dancing on the razor trying to get a better deal. I could keep on with the same job and stay on this trail. It would be easy to just get a new apartment (my roommate moves out in a little over a month, so I ended the lease) stay with the same ol' thing, but it sure as hell isn't good for me if my present state is any indication. I keep my hope up trying to for new things in another city and I might end up homeless and/or hopeless. I'm just in the middle of this dark miasma of uncertainty, my doubts and issues swirling around me like a tornado and it only takes one to end my life. No wonder I'm alone.

Then again, I've some fine examples of why it's good to be single lately. Ms. I. Needa Babydaddy, Ms. Cody Pendant, Ms. Diva B. Otch, and that's the just the funny names off the top of my head I can think of at 3am. Yeah, there's probably a perfect woman out there for me somewhere, but I'm not counting on meeting her. My life's complicated enough right now.

...I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one.

Unpause

2008-04-28T17:17:00.002-05:00

Long time, no see.

I know, I haven't posted in a long ass time. The reason for the pause? That's how my life has felt the last year or so. I wake up, work, eat, sleep, work out, play computer games, and have an occaisional drink. In all of that time, I haven't felt like there was anything of substance that I felt worthy to share with the world. My life was on pause, and so was my blog.

The reason for coming out of my electronic torpor is that my life may be changing drastically in the next few weeks. I miss travel and the job I picked up sucks balls. When I found that my current boss was blocking my chances at advancing in the company I'm in because I'm the most capable person he has, I decided to look outside and do something for me. Even more drastic for me is that I decided I would open up my search to most of the US rather than deciding I have to stay in Milwaukee.

So it looks like I have a company very interested in me. I'll be flying out to Kansas City in two weeks to meet face to face with them. I'm guessing that since they are paying for me to fly out there, that I pretty much have the job at this point. I hope I do, at least. If I do, I could be moving out of Milwaukee within two months.

Kansas City, here I come...

If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?

2007-07-23T22:45:00.000-05:00

I've started this posted at least a dozen times. I just haven't been able to get anything out.

I'm trying to make changes. The details are boring, so I'll spare them. I've been trying since my last post to improve my outlook on things, get a better job that doesn't leave me hating the world, try to get back into shape, and improve life in general. So far, I'm slowly making progress on the last two. Working my ass off at the gym lately leaving me sore as hell most days, and paying off my student loans so I can get back into school and move forward in life.

The job field has failed me horribly. I've been more and more desperate to get the hell out of the job I have as it's just getting worse. My boss is probably sabotaging all of my efforts to get out of there as I'm the only competent one left.

Anyway.... enough of that crap.

I've made 9 Brewer games so far this year. It's been a heckuva trip, but I keep going on Fridays, and they're 3 and 5 on Fridays. I have a lot of bobbleheads, tho. Still have not caught a foul ball yet. They keep landing one section either way of us. Oh well, still have 5 more games to attend this year. More if they make the playoffs.

I stood up in a friend's wedding. The only thing that saved that reception was the groomsmen (including myself) and the alcohol it took to make us impervious to embarassment. We drank, partied, and yes, I even danced. Badly. Like the white boy I am. Apparently we were such a hit there that they gave us a standing ovation upon staggering hung over into the gift opening.

I want to get away on vacation. I almost don't care where I go as long as there is some great company upon arrival. I don't think that anyone has the time for me, tho. Or that I'll be able to get away from work before my birthday. I'm looking to prove myself wrong, tho. Or to find somewhere to go in september or october.

Anyway, the last quote was from "The Kids Aren't Alright" from the Offspring. We'll see if anyone still comes here to tell me where today's is from.

Chances blown, nothing's free, longing for what used to be.

2007-05-07T15:02:00.000-05:00

I finally got my first full night of sleep last night. First time since just after St. Patrick's Day that I did that. Of course, I got a little help last night since yesterday was day 1 of my vacation in Missouri. I feel much better already.

Had an interesting talk with my ex-gf down here about where things stand. It's the first time that I've felt like our breaking up wasn't just my fault. We both had a lot of growing up to do it seems. Even though we were talking about why we weren't together and how we aren't going to end up together again unless something drastic happens, I was feeling good. It finally kinda sunk in that there's always someone who is going to love me. I must have matured well, because she said that if she didn't love the guy she was with now, she would be after me in a heartbeat.

I'm sure that sounds weird to most people, but I can respect that. You don't give your word and break it. She knows that the same goes for me. I enjoy my time with her but if I somehow find someone I love and who loves me back, my Missouri friend will be back to just being friends without benefits.

Until that time, I can hold a beautiful woman in my arms and smile feeling that all is right in my world. I hope I can keep that feeling for a long time. Or at least long enough to last until I can feel it directly again.

Nobody guessed on the song from the other days, so here it is:

Feel Good Inc. from Gorillaz

Anyone want to try today's?

My dreams, they've got to kiss, because I dont get sleep, no

2007-04-23T19:41:00.000-05:00

As the title suggests, I haven't been sleeping much again. I haven't had a full night of sleep in at least 5 weeks at the moment. I've gotten used to the dull throbbing headache that's hiding behind my forehead, but I really hate the feeling that I have sand in my eyes constantly. I'm sort of stuck in the middle of a fight between my mind and body. I have either been too full of energy to sleep, or my mind has been going a hundred miles an hour keeping me staring at the ceiling at night.

I almost feel bad for my coworkers because I'm a bit crabby anyway, but lately I've been really touchy. I don't really care much. Erik in a crabby mood seems to make them work harder to keep me from having to do their jobs for them. I can live with that tradeoff. I don't really have to worry about pissing off any girlfriends or friends in general right now either. I'm too tired to do much most of the time.

I have been pushing myself at the gym lately. I started doing that hoping that I could make my body tired enough for sleep. That didn't work since I seem to get my energy back pretty quickly. I have found something that surprised me lately. My back is much stronger than I thought. I can comfortably lift my body weight plus 10%, and can almost pull +20% if I'm really pushing it. I suppose that's what happens when you keep the weight of the world on your shoulders. *laughs*

Hopefully I can get some rest soon since I'm going on a brief vacation in two weeks. Would hate to be a zombie on my vacation. I'm pretty close to that now. Naps, nookie and narcotics are needed again, I think. I don't think I'll be getting any of that anytime soon. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Here's the song from last time. It's a cover of the original, but good stuff anyway.

Land of Confusion by Genesis (cover by Disturbed)

Anyone care to guess todays song?

Now did you read the news today?

2007-04-18T00:52:00.000-05:00

And not much love to go round.

I've been avoiding the news as much as possible. I saw the beginning of the Virginia Tech shootings happening and realized that this was going to be the news story of the year. I thought the Anna Nicole thing was awful enough, but this will be 10 times worse. First off, however, my condolences go out to the victims. I'm sure they all deserved better.

The reason I turned off the news wasn't the story itself. Like most people, I have that morbid curiosity to wonder why it happened. What bothered me was the glee I could hear in the cadence of the news people's voices as they listed every horrific detail they could find. I bet if it wasn't for the anchor desk or the well aimed camera, we could all see their erections from covering this story. Every news forum is in on this ratings gangbang right now. Anyone with any opinion, no matter how stupid is stepping up on this one.

I'm waiting for the blame to start flying full force. I caught the beginnings of it inadvertantly. I feel bad for the staff at VT. They were getting criticized for not locking down a 25,000 sudent school in two hours. I don't know about you, but I don't think there are too many contingency plans for spree killers on campus. Not to mention the logistics of getting information to everyone. I'm sure someone will sue anyway, tho.

Here are my guesses as to who will step up to the attention whoring spotlight as soon as someone will point a camera at them.

Gun control lobby- They'll be all over in a second. Which will prompt the inevitable NRA response followed by rednecks who are pro gun, but anti-brain.

Anyone who can play the race card- You know it will happen. Asian guy shooting up a primarily white school? I bet he was discriminated against in some way that the NAACP will be loudly proclaiming.

Video games- Come on, a young guy who doesn't own a Playstation or have a computer? He's gotta have at least one copy of Grand Theft Auto lying around. Jack Thompson will be jerking off in anticipation of this one. Unless he's already dropped his wad all over the media circus.

I could continue, but I'm very low on sleep here. More on that tomorrow.

Anyway, here's the admittedly (and blissfully) uninformed opinion of Erik. I have a feeling this is a guy who's had lots of troubles mentally and emotionally and very poor coping skills. He went off the deep end a long time ago and started planning this after he got his heart broken or something. He'll be a loner that everyone says was quiet, generally nice, but a little odd. I'll say there's a 50/50 chance of him being an abused or traumatized child.

Wait, I've heard this before. Somewhere. Let's see... Columbine? University of Texas? Insert name of school shooting here?

The fools are all looking for someone to blame for this. What they should be saying is "What is the cause of this evil?" I'm talking internally here. Man can be just as inhumane to his fellow man without guns, knives, sticks, and rocks. The problem is inside and they'll never see it if they sit there and point their fingers outward.

Bonus points for knowing the song the title and first line of the post comes from.

He's going the distance

2007-03-22T00:49:00.000-05:00

After (in)Action Report

Saint Patty's day.

What a day to go out, get a lottery ticket, talk smack, rock out with my cock out, and then get stewed, screwed, and tattooed. Right?

Go to my bar? Check.

Lottery ticket? Check.

Losing lottery ticket? Yeah, go figure... that's a check. No biggie.

Talk smack? Check.

Rock out with my cock out? Since I wasn't at a gay bar, that's a figurative check.

Stewed? As far as I remember, that's at least 12 Guinness's, 1 green Miller Lite, 4 Smithwick's, 2 shots of Irish whiskey, and to end the day 2 back-to-back Irish Carbombs. There could be more, tho. I'll say that's a check.

Screwed? Figuratively, check. Staining sheets, furniture, carpeting or lack thereof if she is good enough to share with my white sticky goodness? NOT a check.

Tattooed? Not on St. Patty's day, although I need to start drawing up the pattern for my next one. So no check there.

Scary fact? I had half a quart of orange juice before I went to bed, and the rest of the quart after I woke up. Even before the second half a quart, I woke up with no hangover at all.

Final tally: my body was up to the challenge unlike the 2 others I helped carry out of the bar. The rest of me didn't get to try out, darnit. Was a fairly good time until I outpaced everyone I knew. Went the distance, but didn't get the trophy to have brag about it the next day. Crap.

No points today, but know the band in the quote?

Don't just call me a pessimist, try and read between the lines

2007-03-12T08:37:00.000-05:00

I know... long time, no post. I haven't been very talkative as of late. I've been doing a lot more thinking on things. That and I've not really had much of note going on. Anyway, on to the joy.

The title today is from a great song. Bonus points as always if you figure it out. It came to mind after reading this in my Monday batch o' news. It sure points to why I may act the way I do. Not an excuse, but maybe an explanation to ponder. Let me know what you think.

Trying to give myself something to look forward to, I decided to get a 13 pack of tickets for the Brewers this year. I got a good deal on them to begin with, and then they threw in a free ticket to Opening Day, too. This will be my first ever Opening Day, too. I'm really looking forward to April 2nd. Took off for that day and I'll be leaving early for all the other games. Just in time, too.

Just after requesting off and getting approval, one of my coworkers found a new job, so all new vacation days have been put on hold until further notice. So I'll be forced to pick up the slack, since I'm the only one who seem to want to put forth extra effort. We had a section of 5 people when I started. We were one short as of a month ago. Now we'll be 3. It only figures that the person who is leaving is the most productive of the bunch. I'll have to work all the extra shifts, too. The other people are all senior to me, and have families. Not Erik, tho. He's a glutton for punishment.

I need a vacation or something already.

Hopefully this makes sense as I'm writing it after being awake the last 22 hours while already being short of sleep this week. I tend to ramble as I get more and more tired. Feel sorry for my coworkers as they have to deal with me all day as I get spacier as the day goes on. Then again, they might not notice me at all. I certainly could use a nap.

I'm not crazy

2007-02-01T00:45:00.000-06:00

"Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn't work out the way I wanted to.
I get real frustrated and I try hard to do it and
I take my time and it doesn't work out the way I wanted to.
It's like I concentrate real hard and it doesn't work out.
Everything I do and everything I try never turns out.
It's like I need time to figure these things out
But there's always someone there going
Hey Erik: You know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately.
You know, maybe you should get away and maybe you should talk about it,
maybe you'll feel a lot betterAnd I go:No it's okay, you know I'll figure it out,
just leave me alone I'll figure it out. You know I'll just work by myself.

And they go:
Well you know if you want to talk about it I'll be here you know and you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it.

And I go:
No, I don't want to I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself and they just keep bugging me and they just keep bugging me and it builds up inside and it builds up inside"

With liberties here....

Nobody's been asking me what I feel deep inside. Nobody cares what's deep inside. My phone might as well not be on. My life might as well not exist. I still hope like a fool that something will go my way, but it hasn't.

Anyone know why sex and/or curling up with someone makes life worth living? And the opposite do the, well, opposite?

I know I'm negative right now. But I might as well not exist too. I haven't been called in a month. I haven't been touched in an intimate way in over 6 months. I only matter when I can help, otherwise I might as well not exist. Is it so bad that I want to get someone to care?

Guess so......

Points for the quote...

Anger is a gift

2007-01-18T23:08:00.000-06:00

You would not believe how pissed off I am. I've spent 94 hours over the last 9 days trying to get it working again. What is "it" you ask?

World of Warcraft.

I know, I'm pathetic. A computer game is the best thing in my life. Worse yet, it's not working.

I may have to blow my savings on a brand new computer in order to get it running since the one I have seems to choke ever since last Tuesday on this new patch. If I didn't enjoy the game so much, I would've ditched it outright. I like to play, tho. It's been the closest thing to a constant companion as I've had for the last 2 years.

I've spent more time trying to fix computer problems than I have anything else. 94 hours of computer repair on top of 56 hours at work fixing computer errors. At work I at least fix them in 20 minutes or less. I've spent 10-15 hours doing chores and stuff in that time, and the rest sleeping. A pretty sad life, indeed. I haven't even bothered jerking off for the most part. I've been too involved in fixing the piece of shit on my desk.

All I have is anger and frustration.

Pretty sad.

Bonus points if you know the song quote.

I ask myself, is all hope lost?

2006-12-31T03:06:00.000-06:00

Pretty much, yeah. But more on that later.

I got the pleasure of hanging out with Kris (aka Stitch's Playground to the right) tonight. Was nice meeting and talking with her in person, even though I didn't talk much... or listen much for that matter since there was too much noise. Wish I could've stayed longer.

On the way home I thought of some things that have been bouncing through my head regularly lately. With the events of the night fresh in my mind, I put a lot of those broken thoughts together. Not to say the company of the evening had anything to do with my thoughts, tho. The things happening around me and my own actions was more than enough to glue this all together.

I'm just not meant to get what I want. Let me try to explain a little...

I don't fit in with people to begin with. Put me in a room with more than 5 people, and I'm totally alone in a crowd. Worse yet because of my natural reaction to crowds, I isolate myself even more. Who wants to reach out to the pallid guy who can't say the right thing? Can't say that I blame them...

The work situation has gotten worse. It's become mindless and insulting. I get paid half as much as I should be for the position that I do 5 times better than the people who get paid 50% more than I. I keep looking for another job, but I'd be underpaid as bad as the current job, or I don't get the call back.

I thought of going back to college and finishing a degree. Turns out I can't get help paying for it until I get about half of my student loans paid off. Which consumes more time. Or I could just pay for college now, only I don't get paid well enough. So I have to save up more. Consuming more time. Plus I'd to pretty much have to start a new degree program. Even more time.

I don't want to even bother anymore. Every time I've tried to improve my life for the last few years, I get beaten down and put into worse shape that I was originally. Right now I'm caught in a blend of emotions that leaves me unable to sleep. I feel those screams of frustration and rage bubbling right below the surface covering up the battery acid-like bile of disgust that's burned a hole right through my soul, leaving only a hollow, empty feeling behind. All I've gotten from self improvement is destruction. So fuck it.

Here's to mediocrity and apathy. I'll do the bare minimum I need to in order to get through the day. I'll wake up, shower, work, eat, maybe go to the gym, and go home where I'll kill my brain with TV, alcohol, and video games. I'll be content with a grey, lonely, and meaningless existance. I'll still be breathing, but I'll be dead inside.

Sounds more comfortable than what I've been feeling. You win, life, I'll stop trying. I shall curl up in a ball in the corner and not get up. Will you stop fucking kicking me now?

PS- I've had a couple people ask what's wrong and such, and if I wanted to talk about it. The bad thing is that when it gets asked, they aren't near, and this is the kind of thing that I just can't bring myself to talking about on the phone. I never claimed to be totally rational...

Bonus points to Kat for getting last time's quote. There'll be a drink on me in it for you. Anyone know this one?

Twenty, twenty, twenty four hours to go...

2006-12-03T23:51:00.000-06:00

Another random post here. One day I'll get on a more regular schedule of posting. My mind has been on a lot of things, tho.

When I posted about my mom's boyfriend, it had been a while since that all started. His cardiac event happened the day after Halloween. For the last few weeks, I've been taking care of my mom. Making sure she eats something other than microwave popcorn at the hospital, getting her mind off of the hospital, and taking care of a few things around her house. Not to mention listening and supporting her since none of my other siblings were helping.

Right before this happened, another friend's dad died and I was the supportive one there too. After all this and holding in all of the things that were bothering me, I've drained the emotional batteries down to just about empty. It doesn't help that I haven't been able to sleep lately. But more about that in a bit.

Anyway, the guy died on Thanksgiving morning. Thanksgiving wasn't exactly a happy day. We tried to go on and celebrate like normal, but there was a huge cloud over everything. Mom threw herself into helping plan the wake and all right afterward. I think she did it because she felt she had to do something. Not that she already had done more than most of his family. Anyway, tomorrow night is the wake. I really, really don't want to go to it. I'm drained and don't have much more to give. But, I'm needed.

So tonight I did the smart thing and made my own form of a sleeping pill. Cook one part roast turkey, one part stuffing and potatoes, garnish with a lack of sleep, and top it all off with a bottle of wine. If this doesn't work, nothing will. I'm finishing off the last of the wine now, and will be crawling into bed after posting this. Wish me luck, I may need it.

The title is easy, but go ahead and tell me where it's from anyway. It's very fitting, wouldn't you agree?

Good/Bad

2006-11-20T15:01:00.000-06:00

Not sure if anyone is bothering to check for new posts anymore since I've been quiet. I guess we'll see.

My mom's loser boyfriend is out of her house finally. Bad news is that it took a cardiac event that left him a vegetable. Mom is feeling guilty because this happened just before he was to be out of the house. I don't feel that way, tho. This guy knew he had heart trouble. He knew his heart was out of rhythm days before it happened. He could've made it to the doctor, or gone to the emergency room to fix it. Instead he waited. It's too bad they got to him just in time to save him, but not his brain. I'd rather be dead than be a vegetable.

On the other side of the coin, my friend who works at the same place I do just found out his wife is pregnant. He's still a little blown away by the whole thing. Needless to say, he's been drinking a little heavier as of late. It should be interesting to see him be a dad since he's kinda a big kid to begin with. Reminds me of myself in that respect.

Now I'm wondering where the hell I'm at in this little path called life. I don't know. I'm just going to hide here under the covers. Let life come looking for me since I can't seem to find it.

100 years ago

2006-11-15T12:02:00.000-06:00

When somebody else has said something better than you can, use a quote. Here's one I read recently which sums up my feelings on things.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

--- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907

Too true, Teddy. Too true.

And I still don't have much to say. A social life is only in my imagination.

Last week's title is from Korn's "Counting".

So I'm saying nothing. Each day taking that much more.

2006-11-07T09:46:00.000-06:00

I'm just not talking much these days. I kinda shut myself down for a while. It's somewhat relaxing to just not care about anything. To rip off a song lyric, I have become comfortably numb. Only without the drugs.

So I've slipped into a comfortable niche that I don't know if I really want to get out of. I eat. I sleep. I work. I go to the gym. I play games when I get home. I'm safe in my protective blanket of apathy.

I don't worry about disappointing others. Other people can't disappoint me either, tho. I don't care what fuck-up of a politician is getting elected today. I don't care who kills my Packers this week. I could care less what stupid people do.

I don't get hurt this way. And I'm really tired of being hurt.

Last week's title came from a song called "Speechless" from Helmet. Bonus points if you figure this one out.

Late Edit: Down to 212. I'm not losing weight anymore, but I'm halfway to having up tighten up my belt one notch. So I must be losing fat and gaining muscle. I'm cool with that.

Like every day that bores me.

2006-10-30T10:16:00.000-06:00

I haven't had much to say lately. I get into that mood from time to time. I don't post anything on my blog, I don't comment on other people's blogs, and I haven't been sending out any emails that aren't work related. Maybe I have had things to say, but I just don't have that impetus, that spark to write what I am thinking. Not really sure why.

Anyway, sitting here at work reminded me of something I wanted to share. The person in the next cubicle is about to be fired. She doesn't know it yet, although with all the stupid things she does she should know it's coming. First of all, she was making personal calls on the phone in her cube to her family. In Georgia. Somehow she didn't think that they'd notice. They did.

When they busted her for that, she started sneaking into the conference room to make calls. To the same people at the same numbers. I guess she didn't think that the company had people who could add 1 and 1 together and come up with 2 for an answer. Busted again.

Combine this with her coming in to work at whatever times suited her, taking 2+ hour breaks (on the clock, of course), and spending a good portion of her day on the phone while getting none of her work done. Personally, I wondered after my first week of working here why she still had a job. Then I figured it out. They were using the kid gloves because she's black.

I am amazed that she's survived this long. She's a special kind of stupid and completely ghetto all in one. For example- Her "fiance" lives outside of London. She met him on the internet and they are finally going to meet for the first time in a couple weeks. He's originally from Nigeria and has been asking her for personal information like her social security number and such, which she's been giving him. I don't know if it's possible to throw up any more red flags. Oh, and the first thing she wants to do in London? Go to Walmart to see if it's different than it is here. As I said, a special kind of stupid.

The last post's title comes from Johnny Cash's "Sunday morning coming down." Bonus points offered for today's quote. More posts coming soon.

I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.

2006-10-22T23:54:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling pretty beat up today. It's been a lot longer week than I would've guessed. Worse yet, I've worked every day since Tuesday. I still have to work Monday through Friday as well. I'm really looking forward to Saturday when I can really crash and not have to do anything.

Another reason I'm so tired is that I've been working on dropping some pounds. I signed up for the Bloggest Loser to kick my ass in gear to do it. I started getting serious about working out again. I started out at 225 pounds. At the end of week one, I was already down 4 pounds. I decided to kick it up a notch by going on a low carb diet. I weigh in on Tuesday, but just to check to see if that was doing more, I weighed myself this morning. Already 6 more pounds for the week.

One thing I noticed about going low carb is that I get tired quickly. Working out has been grueling this week. I also feel more sore than I did last week. If I keep dropping pounds like I have been, I will only be on it for another few weeks. Once I'm down around 190 or so will I go off of it and keep working out. That is unless I start gaining muscle mass to counter the weight loss. I don't care so much about what I weigh. I just want to drop the beer gut I have.

Another thing that has me tired this week is that my ex-gf who I visted last week has been calling a lot needing support. Her dad died earlier this week, and I've become the go to guy for emotional support. I never learned how to stop caring about people, so I keep talking to her and helping her. I guess I must be a sucker for doing this since she is happily living with her boyfriend and really should be going to him. Weird, eh?

Anyway, I better head to bed so I can go back to the grind tomorrow and be able to function. I thought the title was fitting for today. Bonus points for figuring it out. Even more points for figuring out why I keep supporting someone who lives with someone and is a few states away.

Kansas City, Here I come.

2006-10-17T13:10:00.000-05:00

I had quite a good time down the Missouri way. Went to the Kansas City Renaissance Festival for the weekend with a good friend and spent an extra day down there just hanging out. Since I'm still very tired (and sore in a few places), here are a few of the parts that stand out in my mind.

-The obvious

-Seeing trees with green leaves and temps in the 70's.

-Great live acts. At least for a Ren Faire.

-Being a smart ass with said acts and getting cheered by the audience and act alike.

-Almost felt like I had a girlfriend for a weekend. Nice little ego boost for me.

-The pub crawl at the end of the Faire and the jokes from it. Example: "What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on." Most of the others require a visual.

-Bodices. Some you want to forget you ever saw it. Most you want to unwrap to see more.

-The drive back. Nine and a half hours of solid storms. Grrr.

-Compared to some of the people there, I feel quite normal. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, tho.

Now it's back to real life for me. Work, responsibility, and an empty bed. I wonder why I wish I was back there? *laughs*

Serenity Now!

2006-10-11T10:42:00.000-05:00

I'm still here, but only barely. It's been a rough week so far. I started it out this weekend, tho. The was a wedding in the family, which I agreed to go to. I was probably drunk at the time. It was a fairly normal wedding, and at the reception, I saw the Irish side of the family come out. One particular group was rambunctious as ever. It had been so long since I saw them last that I didn't recognise them. Once they got a few drinks in them, it was hard not to recognise them. I told more than a few relatives that I didn't recognise them only because they didn't have a drink in hand. Gotta love family.

Since a few of us got to the reception early, we had to either wait an hour for the reception bar to open or find our own booze. Since we were downtown, I took some of them down the street to Mo's Irish Pub. Most of them were from central Wisconsin, so they were completely out of place downtown. A few looked like they wanted to bug out ASAP. After a couple drinks we headed up to the reception again since the bar was open at that point. I ended up spending most of the night drinking with the one cool cousin I could find. Was drinking from 6pm to 4am. I was severely hung over on Sunday. I'm glad that she was riding back home with other family members and not driving herself.

So Sunday was a waste of a day. I rehydrated, slept, lather, rinsed, repeated. The funny thing was that I still felt tired on Monday at work.

Monday and Tuesday were rough to say the least. The help desk staff was Poland, and boy did we get blitzkrieged. I'd say we were France, but we didn't throw up the white flag at the first call. The highlight of those days was the person who spent 5 minutes arguing with me over what store number she was at. I have caller ID. I know who I'm talking to, ya moron.

Today has been going surprisingly well. The morning was quiet which was nice because I had lots of travel plans to get done. Looks like I'm heading to Missouri again for a few days. My co-workers will probably wonder why I'm in a better mood next week. Just would be nice to not have to drive so far...

I've decided to kick my own ass into getting into shape. Maybe since it is a little bit of a competition I'll be able to get my ass seriously going. Kris (link to the right) is the nerve center for the Bloggest Loser. I put in my measurements and found out that I'm 30% fat. Yikes!

I've been at the gym every night this week, tho. After this weekend I might see about actually watching what I eat to see if I can really kick into gear. I've ever heard rumors that the winner gets a cherry or something. *laughs*

Maybe I'll post before hitting the road. See ya.

I can see through you, see to the real you

2006-10-04T09:47:00.000-05:00

I was out having lots of fun last night. When i got home, I took a look in the mirror and I started wondering. What do people see when they see me?

I've always thought I looked a bit goofy to begin with when I look in the mirror. Since I don't talk to myself in the mirror or see myself on video, I have no clue what I look like when I'm just sitting around, having a drink, and talking stupid. I'm probably looking in to things too deeply, but that's the way my brain works.

Last night when I looked in the mirror, I tried to figure out what people might think when they look at me. What's that big scratch on his face from? (Stupid new razor decided to bite me) Why is he missing a tooth when he smiles? (Removed the baby tooth that used to be there, and haven't had time to get a bridge yet) Why does he have no eyebrows? (They're there, just not visible... I'm weird like that)

So, here's a few questions for you guys: Do you ever wonder what other people see when they look at you? What do you think people think about when you talk with them? Have I made you feel very self conscious this morning? *laughs*

Yesterday's title came straight from the Bloodhound Gang's "The inevitable return of the great white dope." Bonus points for today's title.

Teeter-tottering between brilliance and insanity

2006-09-30T10:07:00.000-05:00

I'm here at work typing this one up. Two hours into my shift and I have taken a whopping 6 calls. I've spent most of my time here so far reading and blasting music to stay awake since I didn't grab any coffee this morning. Gwar is up on the iPod right now. It amuses me to think what would happen if anyone would show up right now. I'm not even wearing my shoes right now and have my feet kicked up on the file cabinet. Might as well be comfortable here, right?

Not too much on my mind today really. Normally I might be checking what would be happening in football, but this year I feel is a lost cause. The Packers are teh suck this season. I haven't even watched one football game sadly enough, not even with Madden.

I guess I caught one story about football that was mildly amusing. The whole TO thing amuses me. Not for the usual reasons most people have. I'm not interested in if he was trying to kill himself or not. The thing that amused me was the spin on the bottle of vicodin. First off, the bottle was supposedly empty when it should have been nearly full. The explaination? He took the pills out of the bottle and put them in a drawer. Maybe this is just me, but who the fuck does that? Everyone I know tosses that little orange bottle in the bathroom or on the desk or something, but nobody takes the pills out to put uncovered in a drawer.

The other thing that amused me was as soon as the word vicodin was mentioned, reporters flocked to Brett Favre to get his opinion on the whole thing. If I was him, I would have suggested a beer to go with that vicodin. Might as well give advice on how to make a good Brett Favre cocktail. *laughs*

On another topic, I keep thinking about making the true american business. I want to form the Big Ass company. "Big Ass" would be company's name. Just think of all the products you could sell under that name. You know that Big Ass condoms would fly off the shelf. Get the US Army interested in some Big Ass guns and Big Ass bombs. With how people eat these days, you can't tell me that Big Ass food products wouldn't sell well. Who could pass up a Big Ass steak with a Big Ass baked potato on the side? You'd probably have to modify the name a little for the urban market, but I bet the Phat Azz clothing line would do well. Maybe get the rapper of the hour to do the comercials tellin' all dem ho's to back dat Phat Azz up. Pure genius, I say. I bet you guys could come up with even more Big Ass products that would do well.

Let me know what you think. Bonus points for knowing where the title comes from.
PS- 40 minutes of tinkering with this post and not one call. And they're paying me for this.

Thoughts from work

2006-09-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

Yaay... I have off Wednesday!

For the joy of having Wednesday off, I have to work the weekend, but that isn't bad. 6 Hours on Saturday, and on call on Sunday. I may even watch the pregame with a beer in hand while taking a call on Sunday.

Saturday might be a rough day. I'll be in the office all by myself and the pace is very slow usually from what I hear. I may have to go to the bookstore tomorrow because I've run through the 7 books I purchased recently. Should be interesting since it will be my first time doing a weekend by myself.

Recently, the lottery here was really getting up there. I enjoyed that common daydream that we all have of winning a huge sum of money and what I'd do. Just about everyone would call in rich. That's a fun thought, but there are too many people counting on me that I actually like. I think I'd have much more fun if I put in my resignation. I'd tell them that I would work for one more month and then I was gone. Having put that in writing, I'd be the most amusing coworker there was. Since I'm helpdesk right now, I'd love the opportunity to tell people how inept they really are, and be quite blunt in the fact that they know everything I'm telling them already, they just don't want to think. The great part about my plan is that if they decide to fire me, they still would have to pay me for the full month of pay.

The only problem with my just is the really stupid people I'm forced to deal with. The other day I took four calls from one person, who if they had dome what I told them to do the first time, there wouldn't have been the need for the other three calls. You would think that people asking for help would pay attention to the help given, but no. It amazes me sometimes.

I'd think that everyone that works for my company is stupid, but I realize that I probably don't get to talk to the smart people because they actually know what they are doing, and never have the need to call me. Oh well.

Just curious, who's the stupidest person you've worked with and what was the dumbest things they did?

Tense, then release.

2006-09-23T19:49:00.000-05:00

Just to go on a little about the bad relationships people get into that I was ranting about the other day...

I was in the grocery store on Friday, and while waiting in line, I saw a cute gal walk by me. For some reason, she looked familliar but I couldn't recognize her. Another weird thing I noticed is that she stared at the floor making sure there was no eye contact between anyone and herself. She also had a split lip which bothered me on principal. I have that old fashioned belief that you should never hit a woman.

She walked over to a cart with a baby seat that was maybe 30 or 40 feet away. Once she got there next to her boyfriend, she looked over at the baby and her face finally lit up. That's when I recognized her. I never had seen her timid or not smiling before. She used to work at the bar I go to, and she was a very pretty woman. She was also the type to look you straight in the eye.

Seeing the way her abusive boyfriend had beaten her beauty away pissed me off. I wanted to go over there and inflict some serious damage on the fucker. They left as I was thinking of jumping the line and beating the guy. I was so enraged to see this that I lost my appetite. I didn't sleep well friday night either.

I got a chance to blow off some steam today, tho. Today was an airsoft game. Running around 65 acres while getting to shoot people is always a relaxing day. Plus it burns a huge amount of energy, too. Right now I'm drained. I bet tomorrow that I'll just about be unable to doanything without some major motivation. Wonder what that could be? *laughs*

I think I'm going to have a glass or two of wine tonight. To guarantee that I'm dead asleep for a long time. Anyone who wants my attention tomorrow, bring over some italian or something to drink. I'm not going anywhere. Take it easy...

Fuck everyone

2006-09-20T22:31:00.000-05:00

That's what I said. Fuck you. Fuck your ma. Fuck everyone.

People "value" me for my opinion then don't listen to a damn thing I say. People tell me how nice I am and how I'll find the right person which only seems to make them feel better. I've been told how I need to go out more and meet new people.

I'm angry as hell right now. I deserve better than this. I'm a great guy. I treat people like i want to be treated. I help people I care about no matter the consequence to me.

People lie, cheat, steal and worse all the time, and find love again and again. This makes me ill. People should be rewarded for the good they do. Chivalry, honor, and honesty should be praised. These days it's all about the exterior appearance and how many lies they can weave for you. They sure as hell don't want to hear the truth anymore.

Thinking about the truth and what I've been asked lately, here are a few gems of truth that probably aren't being listened to:

- He's a cop. He has 3 girlfriends already including you. Why the fuck do you think he'll dump any of them to just be with you? He also talks about you behind your back and insults you in front of your friends. Please let me know why you bothered to get back with him.

- Settle down, relax, and try not to freak about every little nuance. People are all different. You have to let loose, be yourself and see what happens. If you ask my opinion, you're going to get the truth as I see it.

- No, he's not good for you. Keeping you away from your friends and trying to control your life is NOT a good thing. Chances are that he'll never change his ways for you. Since he's sleeping around and you know it, don't let him stop using condoms. And if you ever say "I wish that Paul was more like you, Erik" again, I will give you my own personal mushroom shaped bruise of disapproval.

The names have been protected because even when I'm angry, I'm not a total ass unlike some people. Does anyone know where I'm coming from and/or have advice? Does any of this make sense? Is anyone even reading this anymore?

Let me know.

Comedy and Tragedy

2006-09-18T09:14:00.000-05:00

Looks like 5 models were sent home from Madrid because they were too skinny. England is also thinking of enforcing the same rules. Reading out it this morning brought a brief smile to my face.

If you want an even bigger smile, just read the headline here. You'd think that the editor would catch something like that.

I haven't been too cheery as of late. I've been listening to many people talk about their various relationship problems. I don't mind it normally. I have strong shoulders and have never minded having a gal cry and lean on them. I might as well help people out since I'm a good listener, right?

I am getting downright crabby because I'm listening to the problems of others and realizing how despite all of the problems involved in them, I want to be back in the mix. I suppose I'm silly to think that I'm going to find anyone soon since I haven't had any luck in the last couple years.

I keep wondering what I have to offer. I can list off some of my finer qualities, but I've had these qualities for quite some time. The funny thing is that people that live farther away from me seem to have a much higher opinion of me as well. Women seem to be attracted to me only if they live 300+ miles away. Odd, right?

To quote a song here, "If I'm so wonderful then why am I so misunderstood? Everybody has a reason for it except me."

So what's your reason?

Real women 1; Skinny bitches 0

2006-09-11T12:08:00.000-05:00

Normally, I'm not a big fan of Spain. However after reading this, I have a whole new respect for that country. You have to smile when you see that they revoke the work visas for scrawny-assed models. Send them back to wherever they are from. Maybe even give them a free sammich. Of course, they'd probably just throw it away. Or up if they were forced to eat it.

I still am scared by how worried women are about their weight. I'm not saying it's good to be 5'6" and 200 pounds. I wouldn't say it's healthy to be 5'6" and 90 pounds either. If you're somewhere in the middle, then don't worry so much. The models and celebrities you see A. are scrawny as hell, B. have a lot more time than you or I to go to the gym, C. are messed up by agents to think that 2% body fat is too fat.

Personally, I think it's getting bad. I used to see Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues and be interested. These days the models look emaciated. Just a hint to SI, give those girls sammiches too, because I really don't want to see their ribs. If you need a hint, go back and look up Kathy Ireland. No ribs there.

I suppose that brings me to the other thing I have a problem with the new models. No tits. Not unless they're bought and paid for. When the girls get that skinny, they have no boobs, no hips, no curves. You might as well just put a guy in a bikini at that point. There's just nothing feminine going on there. Yuck.

Give me an all natural, all American girl anytime. Preferably soon. Very soon.

Better than Miss Cleo

2006-09-07T12:46:00.000-05:00

I'm nursing a bit of a hangover today, which is helping to make this day really drag on. Maybe it's the general headache, but this morning it seemed like every other driver on the road was a complete moron. I was cut off by idiots who were trying to get around other cars by pulling into the parking lane and nearly hitting my bumper when they swerved back in to avoid hitting a parked car. Geniuses at work.

Once again, I did not receive a call from my dad on my birthday. Sure, my stepmom sent a card. I still think even a 2 minute call is required for a family birthday. Am I wrong? It was a very lackluster year for birthdays, too. Nobody wanted to rock out and celebrate with me. So what if you have a hangover in the morning? Life goes on...

Interesting bit o' news: The cute bartender is single again. She expected the cop she was dating to get all romantic and not just want her for her body. I know I said she's smart before, and I think she still is. She is just very naieve about some things. And the guys she chooses to date all take advantage of that. While I doubt there is a chance to get out of the friend zone with her, I still can hope. I don't exactly have any other interesting prospects on the horizon.

I know I seem to have low self esteem most of the time, but I'm very picky about the women I get interested in. I refuse to go for a gal that's below my standards. So maybe I do have low self esteem, but I have a good sense of self worth. I dunno.

Back on the cute bartender topic. I told a friend of mine a week or so ago that I expected her to break up with the guy in less than 4 weeks, but 6 weeks on the outside. When I got the news yesterday, I had to hold back until she had to go to the other side of the bar to tell my friend that I called it. He was somewhat amazed. I wasn't at all. As long as I'm not involved, I seem to be able to see what the outcome is for most people's relationships. I usually can see what's going to happen even if I'm involved if I'm not too close. It sucks being smart. You can see things happen before they really do, and all you can do is watch the trainwreck unfold.

3... 2... 1... We have liftoff

2006-09-05T10:09:00.000-05:00

Say hello to the birthday boy. I turned 31 as of a few hours ago, although you'd hardly know it with how out of control I let my inner child get. I was supposed to grow up at some point, but I missed the memo that put it into effect. That's ok, I'm a toys r us kid anyway. *grins*

How do I celebrate my birthday? I go to work. At least the virus that's been rampaging through the computer system at work seems to be taken care of so far. I haven't felt the need to bang my head on the desk to render myself unconscious once today. Things are looking for the moment, although it's still early in the day.

I haven't decided if I'm going to get a few drinks after work tonight, or if I'm just going to save up and enjoy my birthday drinks at the bar tomorrow. I'm leaning closer to waiting until tomorrow since I had more than a few last night. Besides, if I'm not home the exotic dancers won't know where to find me. *laughs* Yeah, right...

Side note here, I've been really slacking on working out lately. I need to get my ass back into the gym regularly. I think if I hit the gym after work on my way home I should be good. I just need to get into the habit of doing that. Regular gym attendance will probably wait until next week unless I get adventurous and start that on Thursday. We shall see how hung over I'll be after Wednesday.

6...5...4 Guidance is internal...

2006-09-01T08:18:00.000-05:00

Work has been hell for the past few days. My current position is as a helpdesk specialist. I fix other people's mistakes on their computer. Not too bad of a job normally. This week however, we got the update from hell.

If you work at any decent sized business with an IT department, you get updates internally. They upgrade and install patches on all the software you use from Windows itself to your antivirus software. It also does this without any permission from you, the end user. It's meant to load quietly by itself so you can continue to do your job.

Someone from our IT department either messed up horribly, or decided to give the company a cock slapping. Either way, they had a virus in the last update. It went to every clinic, hospital, office, and pharmacy in the company. The virus got worse when it attached itself to various ports. Every time a computer attaches itself to that port, it gets the virus. They can clean the port, but if an infected computer attaches itself to the port, the port gets reinfected. Fun, eh?

Normally we use 8-12% of our ports capacity. The virus has this number up to 90% or more. The system is choking and is running at a snails' pace or even better, not at all. Guess who has two thumbs, needs a good shagging, and takes all of these calls? *points at self* This guy.

In between all of the bullshit calls, we get real calls too. Normally these cals don't take very long, maybe 5 minutes tops. Yesterday I got one of those 5 minute calls only with how gummed up the network is, it took me an hour to finish the call. I'd rather be slamming my head against my desk right now.

This morning we are running with 2 people instead of the normal 4 due to the labor day holiday. Between this and my normal problems, I'm seriously going to need some help before the day is over.

One week

2006-08-29T19:32:00.000-05:00

I've been alternately looking forward to and trying to ignore my birthday. The last few years I've only been disappointed by my birthday, so more disappointment isn't exactly something to get all excited about. On the other had, the kid in me always looks forward to my birthday. Who knows what will happen this year?

The days certainly are passing surprisingly fast right now. I'm surprised it's the end of August already. I think work has put a fast forward on some things. I seem to blink and the week is over. Well, blink twice. Once gets me to Wednesday and the bar, the other gets me to the weekend.

Tomorrow is burn the bill night at the bar. The owner had a heart attack a few years back and he finished paying off his bill, so he'll be burning copies of it at regular intervals. The amusing thing is that I know work for the healthcare provider he visited. I think I'm going to thank him for paying my salary at least a few times tomorrow night. Particularly if it bugs him. *laughs*

Anyway, my night is very exciting. I think I'm going to hang online a bit, and go to sleep early. I want to be well rested for tomorrow. I'm betting I'll be at the bar until late tomorrow.

Temptations of the dark side

2006-08-26T09:10:00.000-05:00

I've had a pretty busy week with work. We have vacations and leaves to cover right now, so there has been the opportunity to work however many hours I want to. So on Thursday and Friday I worked a combined 23 hours plus I'm working a few hours today as well. Since Saturdays are supervisor free, I finally got to check my blog between calls. Glad to see that this site isn't blocked like just about every other site is. (Just found out: I can't actually read my or other blogs at work, but I can write posts. How fucked up is that?)

I woke up from a dream this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I rarely remember dreams as well, so I was surprised to remember so much detail from this one. I didn't wake up suddenly or screaming, but it was a very disturbing dream that has me thinking. Even odder to be was that it starred the evil ex, who I really haven't thought of much lately.

The dream basically was me kidnapping her and then punishing her in many really messed up ways. We're talking physically abusive and sexually abusive ways. I'm not going to go into further detail than that. The dream has me thinking a lot because during the dream, I was enjoying what was happening.

I had to wonder if this was just my brain going out on a limb for no reason, or if there is some part of me that enjoys this. I know I have a dominant side, but this was controlling and abusive. Maybe there's a part of me that would like to punish her or other people and sits in the back of my consciousness plotting what to do when that day comes. I know we all want on some level to get revenge on people who hurt us, but this was extreme.

I might be disturbed more by this because it came out of left field and was very vivid. I wish I knew because even 6 hours later, my mind keeps going back to think of it. Any thoughts?

Settling in

2006-08-22T18:22:00.000-05:00

First a couple of notes. No call yet from Joanne and company. Do I know my luck or what? *laughs* The other is that it's now officially two weeks and counting to my birthday. Only 13 more shopping days until my birthday. *laughs again* Kidding of course. What I would truly like can't be bought... rented maybe, but not bought. ;p

Yesterday was my first day of exchanging boredom for money at my new job. Yesterday was orientation which was the most dull experience I've had in a long time, which includes driving through Iowa. Six and a half hours of trying not to fall asleep as they ran through policies and procedures, mist that I already knew since I had worked for this company before. Ugh.

Today wasn't too bad. The still haven't gotten my cubicle all set up with my own network login and all of that, so I haven't been able to check if I will be able to blog from work. I was unhappy to hear that they blocked out MSN and Yahoo messengers and web email so I won't be able to use them. I sense a lot of boredom in my future and nobody to talk to unless I hand out my work email to friends. I understand why you wouldn't want anyone to use them instead of working, but help desk has a lot of dull times between calls.

The funny thing is that most of the people there know me already, and I don't know them. I must be quite a memorable person. Either that or they heard that the whitest man they've ever seen would be coming and was told that person was me. Oh well, at least I get out tomorrow just in time to hit Art's for a few beers.

Yada to tha third

2006-08-16T23:16:00.000-05:00

I'm still in a very blah mood. I keep feeling like I've wasted my life. I've been trying to shake the feeling, but it isn't going away.

I was at a block party this weekend and when I got home, all I could think of was how I was just taking up space. I talked with a few people. We said empty pleasantries to each other. Joked about this and that. When we parted ways, I felt like I made no difference in their lives. I was a single serving friend to talk to and then to be discarded.

Maybe I'm not a single serving person, but I do feel discardable. Hell, I feel discarded by most people. I'm friends for a while but after a while I'm not worth the effort and I get tossed to the side. Since I worked in a travelling job, I haven't been much for calling up people or visiting people, but even before then I had the same thing happen. I can't tell you why. Nobody wants to tell me the answer.

Tonight I should've been a bit happier, but I'm not. I was at my local bar drinking with a friend, and these five gals walk in. I was talking to everyone, and since they were next to me at the bar, I chatted them up. Joanne, Jane, and Tracy were all nice gals. Joanne seemed quite interested in me. We went back and forth. She asked a lot of questions about me, particularly about sex, piercings, and such since my tongue is pierced. She even asked me for my number.

I'm going to put a bet out there for anyone to take up. $100 to anyone who wants to bet that I won't hear from Joanne or the other two by my birthday. That's September 5th for those of you not in the know. Honestly, I hope I'm wrong here. I'd look forward to paying up. I doubt I'm wrong, tho.

Yesterday's title was from "40 oz. to Freedom" from Sublime. I drank a lot more than 40 ounces tonight, but I feel neither better nor free. I think you only feel free if you get what you want or better yet, happily laid while or after drinking. You tell me...

But life's one big question when you're staring at the clock.

2006-08-14T16:00:00.000-05:00

I've been slacking on the blogging and other computer things as of late. I figure with my new job starting next week, I'll have plenty of time to write up blog entries at work between calls. I also have not replaced my glasses yet. I might not need my glasses to read or use a computer, but I tend to not read and use my computer as much when my eyes could get strained easily.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, however. There are so many thoughts bouncing around my head, but they all come down to one basic question. What's next? This goes on so many levels. What should I do about my job/career? What am I going to do to make me a happy Erik? How the hell am I going to find a gal to spend time with? Maybe I'm thinking about this because of the detour of my career. Of course, my birthday is coming up soon, so that might be why as well. I'll be 31 and back at square one. I feel like I've wasted so much time.

I did get a very thorough physical for the new job. More than just the usual drug testing. I had an actual doctor look me over. They also did vision and TB testing. I'm happy to say that I'm drug free, TB free, have good eyes, no hernia *cough*, and otherwise disgustingly healthy. A lot more testing than I thought they'd do considering my job will have me at a desk all day.

I've had a pretty blah week. I've been doing things like hit the local bar, go to a block party, and hang with my friends, but I just haven't been all there. I'm not getting excited about anything as of late. I'm not too sure why. Maybe I just need another jolt to get me out of a rut. Too bad I can't swing by Missouri again. I dunno. I gotta find something. Ideas?

Bonus points for knowing the title.

Back in the saddle again

2006-08-09T14:43:00.000-05:00

I checked in with a friend of mine today who I used to work with. I asked him how things have been and what's been going on. He works at a help desk for the pharmacy chain I used to work for. His job had been getting better as of late, except for the fact that he was losing one of his best people.

I asked how the pay was. A bit better than a pharmacy technician. I told him to toss my name at his boss, who I knew very well. I figured that I might hear from them in a week or so, since the place had a huge beauracracy.

Three hours later, the boss calls. We talk a bit, and he asks if I was serious about the position. I told him that I was definately interested in the short term although my long term plans were still undecided. Then he catches me off guard.

"Well Erik, I'll consider this our interview. I'll tell HR to make you an offer."

Sure, it's not going to be the best job, but it's work. I might be able to sleep tonight insteading of staring at my ceiling above my bed wondering what to do.

The funny thing is that this is the third job in a row that I've gotten a job within 24 hours of inquiring about it. I seem to either get it right away, or not get it at all.

I'm going out for some celebratory drinks.

Figures...

2006-08-05T09:25:00.000-05:00

I didn't get the job. My backup job couldn't wait for me. I'm back at square one and almost out of money.

I'm so fucked.

And I've been working like a dog.

2006-08-04T10:14:00.000-05:00

You don't know how glad I am to be back online. I like to check my email quite frequently, and n0t being able to was driving me nuts. It's interesting to see how attached to technology we get.

Last weekend was a rough one. My mom and I went over to my brother's new house to get it ready. He had until the end of July to move out of his apartment, so it was a last push to get the place as habitable as possible. I still wouldn't want to live there. He had a contractor come in to see what work will need to be done. Luckily only the floor and support beams under the utility room need replacing. I was afraid the bathroom and kitchen might need it too. We cleaned, fixed things, and painted all weekend. I got back early on monday morning exhausted but my brother was able to move his furniture and cats in the next day.

With no internet service, I turned my attention to cleaning and rearranging my house since my new roommate just moved in on Sunday. I went through many boxes I had that I'd kept moving from apartment to apartment, not realizing that 75% of the things in it was crap. Now the extra crap from my house has been carried out and tossed in the trash.

Once I finished going through the boxes, I started moving around furniture. With the extra room in the master bedroom, I moved my computer and desk in so I have a lot more privacy. It's nice to be able to relax and not have to worry about someone looking over my shoulder. Afte moving the computer, I had a lot more room in the living room. My roommate brought futons with him, and we set up two in the living room to add to the seating space since I only have one couch myself. It worked out pretty nicely, I think.

I finished most of the work around here that I had to do yesterday. Now I can get back to normal. Today I'm resting, tho. I've been sore as hell due to the constant work over the last two weeks, so I think I've earned a couple days to relax.

On the job front, I'm still waiting for the call. After the interview last week, The told me they should have a decision by today, but all the decisions from this person has taken much longer than expected every time. I still have a good feel about the job, but this waiting is killing me. I want to be working and travelling again. That's been my life lately. Not too exciting, but that's my life lately.

On hold but not by choice

2006-07-31T02:52:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post to let you know that I'll be gone a few days. I was informed a few hours ago that Internet service under my old roommate was being cut off on the 31st. The new roommate scheduled new service to be installed on Thursday. Lovely.

I'd tell you about my weekend while I have the chance, but it's 3AM I just got home and I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

Hopefully I'll be able to post when I get up. Otherwise you'll just have to call or drop by if you want to talk. *laughs*

Scary thing is, that actually made me laugh. I must really need the sleep. Take care and have some fun dreams.

Pimp my Erik

2006-07-27T15:19:00.000-05:00

Today was the big interview. This is what I was wearing to the interview. The picture cuts off atmy head because I was in a bit of a hurry to start driving instead of fooling around with the camera. So, what do you think?

I think everything went well today, but they still have two other people to talk to before they make a decision, so I get to wait. Again.

The only thing that bothered me with how I looked was that I wasn't wearing glasses today. I think glasses make me appear even smarter than normal, which isn't a bad thing for an interview. I wasn't wearing them because yesterday I broke them. Was moving stuff around for a friend and because it was hot, I set them down on a monitor stand. When the stand got bumped, the glasses fell off it. Then the stand fell over right on top of it with a sickening crunch. Just what I need, more expenses.

Anyway, I still have more moving to do at my and my brother's house, so time to put on my civilian clothes and get to work. Talk to you later.

Belated Birthday

2006-07-24T08:47:00.000-05:00

I took a peek at the archives this morning wondering when this week I would be putting up a post for the one year anniversary of MiA, only to find out I'm a week late. Last Monday was the happy birthday. Soooo...

Happy Birthday! +7 days...

It certainly has been a bumpy year. Going from the extremes of being worked to death to not working at all certainly has been memorable. Reading over some of the archives I realize that I've done a lot of dumb things this last year, but really, haven't we all?

There hasn't been much going on here lately other than going to my brother's house in Madison to help fix it up, and moving my stuff around in my own house. My old roommate is leaving, and before the new one moves in, I'm switching to the master bedroom. I need it since my bed is so damn huge. I'll remember to post it one of these days...

My brother's house needs so much work still, but it'll be liveable despite all the damage that the previous tenants did, and the owner did not disclose. There's a law that my brother can get the previous owner to pay for repairs on damage that wasn't disclosed, right? I keep telling him he needs to check on it since there is significant damage to the house, but I think he's too depressed to do anything about it. He expected to do minor repairs on this house, but also thought that he'd be able to move in to the house within a week after closing. Instead, he's still fixing the house 3 weeks later. I'll probably will be going back to Madison to help more later this week. Hopefully we'll be moving his stuff in then, too.

Today I'm shopping for dress shoes and going to get the suit. Hopefully I'll have a picture to post soon. I'm planning to visit the Men's Warehouse here in town so they can help guide me through any fashion mistakes I might make. The only thing I'm set on right now is that I want a dark grey or black suit. I've never thought dark blue suits look professional. Just my preferences.

Anyway, I'm heading back to the archives to ponder my favorite moments. Have any yourself?

On the move

2006-07-21T10:06:00.000-05:00

I thought this one pretty much covers they way I feel some days. I'm all happy and am trying to enjoy what I have. Then I see everyone else and it reminds me of what I really want. Oh well, just thought I'd share.

It's really been a strenuous week for me. First I visited the ex and had quite a workout there. Then I played airsoft and ran all over the 65 acre field in the heat. Yesterday, I moved my sister out of the apartment. Most of it wasn't too bad, but some of the furniture was a pain. It figures that the biggest, bulkiest, and heaviest pieces of furniture had to go to the second floor of her boyfriend's house.

I didn't mind the lifting and all of that. I didn't mind the temperature too much either since the sun wasn't out much. The humidity was a killer, tho. I sweated through my t-shirt in record time. Since I was wearing a crappy white t-shirt that was quickly soaked with sweat, everyone felt the need to comment about my tattoos. I know people don't see my tattoos very often since they are on my chest and upper arms (all the better to hide them when I have to), but they don't have to turn into the conversation piece of the day. Particularly when they stop moving to talk about my tattoos. Worse yet, don't start talking to me about them as I'm trying to maneuver half of a sectional couch up a flight of stairs.

Anyway, that's all I got at the moment. I gotta go suit shopping. Now where to go...

Don't be takin' me lucky charms.

2006-07-19T21:02:00.000-05:00

Well, getting lucky might've changed my luck a bit. I had two things happen this week that have me in a better mood. First of all, I got someone interested in the apartment. Perfect timing since I'm helping my sister move out her stuff tomorrow.

The guy passed the credit check and everything. Seems like a decent guy. He's in the police academy right now. I just don't want him to bring his work home with him. Well, unless he works in vice. *laughs*

The other good thing was that I got called for face to face interview with the software company finally. I think the face to face is pretty much a rubber stamp affair since they were already talking salary offers the other day. I'm not going to be travelling to Tampa for the interview, tho. The person is coming to a trade show in Chicago, so I'm going to drive down there next Thursday to meet her for it. I'm trying to decide if I'll need a full suit or not for the interview. Think I should wear a sportsjacket, or just a shirt and tie?

Either way, I'll need new shoes and a haircut. Neither my shoes nor my hair are in bad shape, but I want everything to look perfect just in case. Between moving furniture, shopping, and helping to repair my brother's new house, I think I have a very busy week ahead of me.

That's hot.

2006-07-18T10:10:00.000-05:00

Full of the afterglow from my trip to Missouri, I drove back to Wisconsin on Friday night. Even with traffic and construction, I made it on just over 9 hours. When I drive, I don't need to stop often. Maybe only every 3 or 4 hours. I'm not much for dawdling on the road. I like to get where I'm going.

Anyway, I had a game of airsoft (it's kinda like paintball) planned for Saturday, so had to get ready for it as soon as I got home. I charged all my batteries, checked all my gear over, and loaded the car back up. I was looking forward to the game since it looked like a nice day for it. At least that's what I thought when I saw a quick radar map.

Now, I'm a pretty smart guy. I knew I had to take a lot of water with me on to the field because we play all day with no breaks. It was going to be warm, I was going to be wearing full set of BDU's, and I was going to be lugging around 40 pounds of gear. Actually, I was lugging around more than that, because of all the extra water and Gatorade I had with me. Water weighs 8 pounds a gallon approximately, so I was probably carrying 50-60 pounds at the beginning of the day.

I was guessing the temperature was going to be in the mid 80's on Saturday. The temperature was in the mid to upper 90's that day. I played a full game that day despite all of the heat. I stayed in the shade as much as I could and drank all of the fluids I brought throughout the day. The game went really well, too. I had a blast in the blast furnace.

Afterwards, I got back to my car and turned on the AC. I had to leave it on full blast on me for 5 minutes before I drove away just to cool down my body so I wasn't punch drunk due to the heat. When I got home, I barely climbed up the stairs from the underground parking. I could barely move at that point. I didn't even bring up most of my gear. I just didn't have the energy. It's still in my car right now.

I'm still feeling beat from this weekend. I thought I'd be able to hit the gym today, and right now, I don't know if it would be a good idea to go. I'm not sure if I could make it 15 mins much less the hour or more I usually go for. So, I think I'll be passing on the gym to rest in the AC for one more day. Tomorrow, I train again. First will be the gym training, after that will be the bar training. Sounds like a good training schedule to me...

All that I wanted were things I had before.

2006-07-15T18:20:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy few days. Driving down to Missouri I realized how much I miss my jaunts into the unknown. There's a certain freedom driving through the countryside. There was plenty of freedom this time, too. Since I left at around 6pm, I was driving until about 4am. There was little traffic which made a lot of places very nice because going through construction with traffic around you sucks. It didn't help that it was raining hard in a few places. But since I didn't have to be there at any particular time, I slowed down and took it easy.

I was too excited to sleep, so I pulled into a local park and wandered for a while to stretch out under the steel grey pre-dawn sky. When it started sprinkling again, I hopped into my car and listened to the radio for a couple hours. Then the ex called and we went to have breakfast. After getting me filled up with the caffeine and food that I needed, we went to the local mall and wandered since I still had to wait a few hours before I could check into the hotel.

Wondering why the big leadup here? Well, I got a reminder or something there that I didn't realize I missed as much as I did. No, it's not that. I think everyone reading me regularly knows that I miss sex. However, the thing I missed was something I hadn't had for years. What was this mystery thing?

She reached out to hold my hand as we walked.

I know what you're thinking. Big freakin' deal. Well, to me it was. I hadn't walked with a gal like that for at least 4 years. Maybe my hands are more sensitive than most guys or something. All I know is that when she did that, my pulse raced and I smiled like I didn't have a care in the world. Sometimes it's the simplest things that really make you feel loved more than anything.

The song lyric in the title is pretty apt for how I felt. I'm not crazy, tho. I'm the ex-boyfriend that gets benefits when we see each other. I'm not going to start trying to get back into a relationship with her. She already has a boyfriend, is quite happy with how things are going, and I'm sure as hell not going to move to Missouri to be with her. I just wish I was closer sometimes to we could spend more time together. We do have amazing times when we do get together...

*starts daydreaming again reliving wonderful memories with a big smile*

Bonus points for knowing the song.

Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the fuck."

2006-07-11T17:32:00.000-05:00

I need to get out of my rut. I need to have a little fun and screw who might call me on the phone. So as soon as I finish packing, I'm taking a trip. I'm going to go to Missouri and have a lot of fun to improve my mood significantly.

I'll worry about jobs, roommates (or lack thereof), and everything else that's bugging me when I get home. Don't worry, I'm not dumb. My phone will be with me at all times just in case I get that call for the job. I'm just not going to worry about it while I'm down there.

Hope to talk with you soon in a much better mood.

Resurfacing

2006-07-06T13:59:00.000-05:00

I'm still waiting for a call from the prospective new employer. They had two other people to interview which supposed to happen on Friday, and I was expecting an answer soon afterward. On monday I wasn't too worried. Most people take off on the 3rd, so I wasn't expecting a call then. Yesterday I did expect a call, tho. I waited all day and even left my contact a voicemail message near the end of the day. I'm still waiting to hear back today. No luck so far, tho.

I hate waiting when I don't know how long it will take.

I haven't gotten any nibbles on the ads I posted looking for a new roommate either. It's going to really hurt if I have to take a lower paying job AND have to pay for a 2 bedroom place all by myself. As usual, my plans are going right down the toilet.

No wonder I'm in such a blue mood, eh? I was thinking of doing a little experiment for the hell of it. I was going to stop talking to people. I'd send no email or IM's, and wouldn't call anyone. Then I'd wait to see how long it would take for friends and family to notice. I'm not going to do it, tho. I'm too scared to know the results.

By the way, I appreciate the well wishing and advice I see in the comments. I just wish there was something concrete I could do. I'm good fixing things I can see. I suck when it comes to things I can't. I can tell there are problems there, and even know what many of them are. I just don't know how to fix it. Advice?

Anyway, the only good thing this week has been the fireworks on the 4th. The park across the street from my house hosts a very nice display. When they started shooting them off, I went out my front door and sat on the sun-warmed concrete walk. I had a perfect view of the whole show. I was like a little kid again, sitting almost right under the shells going off with a huge smile on my face. All I needed was some sparklers, and I'd be 5 again.

I deserve better.

2006-06-29T00:46:00.000-05:00

That's the point of this post.

I'm tired of getting overlooked for the wonderful person I am.
I'm tired of meaning so little to so many people.
I'm tired of not being loved.
I'm tired of being so angry at a world that never appreciated shit.
I'm tired of missing/losing opportunities because I'm just not _______ enough. (Whatever the fuck ____ means)
I'm tired of feeling like a second class citizen.
I'm tired of pity.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I'm tired of not being good enough.
I'm tired of being used.
I'm tired of having everything I feel good about stolen from me.
I'm tired.

Sick and fucking tired.

I want to put a bullet through my head, and I still can't do it. I made a promise and I keep telling myself that it will be better someday. Someday will come and people will see what wonderful things they missed. I only think that it will happen after I'm gone, kind of like an artist.

Maybe that's just a delusion. Maybe I just have nothin'. That seems more likely these days. I'm only wanted by the users and abusers out there. I really would like to curl up in a ball and have someone whisper in my ear that they could take all of the pain I feel in my chest away.

But there's nobody here.

Fuck, I really deserve better.

In the words of Monte Burns, "Hello cruel world."

2006-06-28T10:58:00.000-05:00

I suppose I'll start with some job news. I'm still waiting for the next call. If I don't receive a call by end of business today, I'll be sending a follow-up email to see where things are. These guys got me excited to go back to work, so I'm not going to be giving up easily.

Since I've been waiting at home for a phone call, I've watched a lot more TV than usual. I keep catching people begging for more aid to Africa, partiularly Darfur. Just this morning I saw Mia Farrow asking people for their hard earned money to send to Africa. Ok, my next comment is going to piss off some people, but hear me out.

Giving aid to Africa is for fucking idiots.

Now don't get me wrong, I think the desire to help the people of Africa is a noble one. The thing is that aid isn't helping, and is making it worse for the most part. Do you realize that we've given over 1.45 trillion dollars to Africa. Where has it gone? According to my calculation, that's over $1,700 for every man, woman, and child on the African continent. Where has it gone?

For the most part, charitable aid to Africa comes in 3 forms; money, medicine, and food. We give it to the governments there to divide as they see best. Which is what they do, in a way. They think the best way to handle it is to keep it all for themselves. The estimate is that 90-95% of aid never makes it to the people. That's not just the money either since medical supplies and food are easy to sell on the world market. So now these dictatorships are rich with all of our aid money. So what do they do with it?

First of all, they live in complete luxury. They have immense estates, with the most expensive cars. Trump would be jealous with how some of these guys live. Second, they stash some away for a rainy day, like when they get ousted in a military coup because the generals want to be earning the kind of cash that the leader is currently pulling down. They estimate that over $100 billion is held in Swiss bank accounts of African leaders. The third thing they do is to buy weapons for their military so they can keep their citizens from rising up in revolt. This guarantees that their population will remain poor, and the funds will keep flowing.

So let's look at the real problems in Africa. The biggest challenge is that people have no rights. In most countries, the government claim ownership of everything. They control business and more importantly, they control every piece of real estate in the country. If people don't own the land, they see no reason to improve it. So the people are using seriously outdated techniques and equipment to farm the land. They don't farm any more than what they need to survive since the government takes the extra, and since they have poor land management the crops fail on a regular basis.

Why don't the people rise up and boot out these leeches they have as leaders? Well, they don't enjoy the rights we do here. They have no freedom of speech, so they can be censored, jailed, tortured, and killed for speaking out against the government. They have no freedom to bear arms, so they can't protect themselves from the government and can't revolt to start up a just government. A government should always be afraid of it's people, not vice versa.

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. We have to stop thinking short term and start fixing problems in the long term. You can't put a band-aid on a gunshot wound thinking that it will fix it. The reason why problem in Africa hasn't been fixed is because the real solution is ugly and cold. Cut off aid to any country that mishandles any of it, and start supporting democratic rebel groups in that country with arms. I know this guarantees that there will be famine and war in that country, but hasn't that always been the price of freedom?

Comments welcome and encouraged as always. Bonus points for the first to name the song the title comes from.

Breaking news

2006-06-26T14:42:00.000-05:00

Friday was a long freakin' day. I hate waiting around aimlessly. I don't mind waiting if I know approximately when I'm going to get a call, but just waiting for a call that could be at any time kills your day. I didn't want to be in the middle of a grocery store when I got a business call. I certainly didn't want to miss this call while I was at the gym or anything. So I waited by my phone.

At about 3:30 I got an email saying that something came up and he'd call me on Monday. I understand how crap like that happens, but couldn't he have let me know by noon? Grr.

This weekend was pretty quiet. Friday night I went for a fish-fry down by the lake with mandatory beer drinking afterwards. Saturday I did very little, and Sunday I washed my car, but didn't get to wax it thanks to the rain that blew in. There was also some grilling and more beer than needed to be taken care of as well.

Today, I did almost the same thing I did Friday. I waited. And waited. Finally about 1 I get an email telling me to expect a call at 2. Finally I talked to the guy who did the next stage of the screening. He sounded quite impressed and knowledgeable about my resume as well. I had a nice talk with him and felt that I did quite well. I thought at this point that I'd be asked to come down to Tampa for a face to face interview. Not yet, tho. They want me to talk to at least one more manager before that.

After I finished up with the interviewer today, I called back the HR person I originally spoke to and he told me that he'll make sure that I get a call soon from the next step in the process and will let me know when that will be set up for.

All in all, things are looking pretty good right now. That's a scary thought...

The title of the last post came from Clutch. A song called Big News.

"We got big news.
The party boat is here.
The band is kickin'
And I see lots of beer."

Fortune tellers make a killing nowadays, me oh my.

2006-06-22T22:37:00.000-05:00

Interview part one went well this morning. In less than 20 minutes, I passed the first stage of screening with flying colors. The guy in charge of recruiting (the interviewer) told me that I should recieve a call from the second half of the screening process either today or tomorrow at the latest.

Then he called later today asking if I had gotten a call yet. I hadn't and he assured me that someone would call me very soon and to call him after I get that call. I think they either are impressed by the mad skillz, or are really desperate for help. Or both.

Anyway, I did learn a few things today in the conversation that put a smile on my face. Main thing was that they said they could do "significantly better" than my previous salary. I'm guessing they can do it because I will get more pay, but no company car. I'm comfortable with that, tho.

The company headquarters is in Tampa as well. I'll probably get to see it in person if I pass the next round of screening. They require a face-to-face interview before hiring, so I'm guessing I'll get a free trip to Tampa out of this at the very least. If they hire me, I'd train down there. Florida in the summertime probably will suck, but I'd be going down there at other times of the year for corporate events according to the interviewer. I'm comfortable with that, too.

We shall see what happens tomorrow.

Knowing the song the lyric in the title gets bonus points. There's hidden meaning there if you figure it out. Comments welcome as always.

I may have just done something incredibly stupid, or amazingly wonderful.

2006-06-21T21:31:00.000-05:00

That was my thought earlier today. But let me get to the last week or so first.

I've been incredibly bitter, angry, and depressed. I've looked at the world, watched many people enjoy the things I want, and know that I can't have that right now or probabily ever. I've been acting like a petulant child, because I want those things. I want the beautiful girl that loves me. I want the nice home that I can set up to my own sense of comfort. I want the group of people who looks around and says "Hey, where's Erik?" and calls me up because they miss my presence.

It doesn't seem like that's what is meant to be, tho. I haven't gotten a call, email or even an IM in almost 2 weeks. I've had no luck on a roommate so far, and I don't know a woman in this city who wants to spend an evening with me anymore. I just gotta accept that I'm not getting what I want and enjoy more of the things I have that I do enjoy.

I did go see yet another game at Miller Park last week. We beat Cleveland quite handily on Friday night. I even went to Leon's afterwards for some celebratory custard.

Anyway, I was even more bummed due to a job interview I have coming up on Friday. It is for a pharmacy technician position. I want and need a job, but I feel like I'm wasting my time and talents going back to a pharmacy tech job. I wasn't finding anything better, tho.

Until I looked around today. I saw a job for a travelling software trainer for a healthcare information company. A big name company is looking for someone to train the midwest in their software. As much as I felt alone on the road, it's not like I'm doing better staying at home. So I applied.

They called me within 4 hours of my resume being sent to them to set up a phone interview first thing tomorrow morning.

Oh shit. This could be so very good and so very bad all at the same time. I suppose it's time to do what I seem to do best; Grab a handful of hair and hold on because this might very well be a bumpy ride.

Opinions?

Just a thought

2006-06-15T00:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes all I would like is a little caring and compassion.

Not that my needs mean shit.

The last two quotes come from Anthrax (thanks StB) and the other is from eminem in the song "Sing for the moment". It's fitting I think.

I wish I didn't make any fucking promises to myself.

In the land of killers, a sinner's mind is a sanctum

2006-06-11T22:34:00.000-05:00

Millions,
Who walk this earth without a heart.

Madness,
Tears the innocent souls apart.

Martyrs,
Who shovel their conscience to the grave.

Monsters.

Bonus points for knowing where the title or the lyrics are from.

And only myself to blame

2006-06-01T18:13:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough week for me. I've been trying to stay positive through it all. I've been making myself and others laugh. Probably making a complete fool of myself, too. I'm done trying to be happier for a while. I just need to vent. Brace yourself, it may be a bumpy ride.

First of all, I haven't been able to sleep more than 3 hours at a time. I've been catching a nap here and there which is frustrating. I know that I need more sleep. I certainly the time to sleep. I just can't stay asleep, or go back to sleep once I wake up. This is how I've been sleeping since last Wednesday. Frustrating.

Next, by car took some damage apparently in two different incidents in two days. First one damaged my tire, messed up the front end alignment, and dented the oil pan so badly that it needs to be replaced since my engine isn't getting enough oil. Everyone and their fucking brother have been asking me when I hit a curb. I didn't. I don't remember hitting or running over anything. And I haven't driven when I was drinking, either. The damage for this is running around $600-650. I have a $500 deductible, so I'm better off paying for this myself. Incident 2 was done in a parking lot. Someone drove into my passenger side mirror and totally fucked it up. Another $250 in damage which comes right out of my pocket. Just fucking wonderful.

I've been looking for jobs lately. I thought I had one in the bag. A decent job too. Only a small decrease in salary from my last job. Got the call today at the auto shop that they were glad to meet me, but they hired someone else. Now the only other jobs out there that are interested in interviewing me are pharmacy technician jobs. There's nothing wrong with a pharmacy tech job, except that they pay would be only 60% of what I was making. I guess I fucked myself over leaving the last job.

Anyone know someone in Milwaukee looking for an apartment? I just found out that I'll need a new roommate by August 1. I knew two people who were looking last month for a new apartment. Both of them decided to stay where they are even though it's more expensive and a worse apartment because it's too much hastle to move. I have no clue where to look for a new roommate at the moment. At least I have two months before I'd get fucked over there. Something to look forward to.

I'm so disgusted right now that I don't even want to bother with anything. Fuck cleaning. Fuck laundry. Fuck making dinner. Fuck people. Fuck everything.

My luck has gotta change sometime, doesn't it?

Shock and Awe

2006-05-30T20:52:00.000-05:00

I saw this pic the other day and had to grab it to show here. The gal on the right looks very close to how the evil ex-gf looked. The only differences is that the ex has a bigger dimple in her chin, and was much shorter. Everything else from the hair to the curves in all the right places is her. I was a little surprised and even shocked when I saw this because I was trolling the internet for porn at the time.

That brought me to an interesting line of thought. Even though I don't want anything to do with that one ex ever again, and have refused a date because the gal reminded me of said ex, I still had a lot of fun watching that bit-o-porn and enjoying a few of the memories we shared as well. That ex was the only gal who could keep up with me sexually, so we did have a hell of a lot of fun together.

Anyway, a few questions for you guys now. Is it odd to think of an ex you want nothing to do with in that/any way? How would you feel if you saw an ex in a porn movie? What do you think of my taste in women? *laughs*

Today I looked out of my window at the stormy weather outside and saw what looked like a weird mist or fog. Then I smelled that campfire aroma. The apartment building next door had been hit by lightening and was on fire. We had at least 6 or 7 engine companies on the scene so the fire didn't get very far. It was almost surreal watching the firemen axe open the roof so they could get to the flames in te attic. The building next door looks exactly like mine does, too. Of course, the TV news people interviewed the dumbest people in the area when they got on scene. I saw them on the 6 o'clock news making complete fools of themselves.

Anyway, that's all for today... I'm still recovering from the weekend. Later.

Drink to the dead while you're still alive, for we shall join them in good time

2006-05-28T23:27:00.000-05:00

Here's to my Grandpa. 32nd Infantry Div, 128th company in WWII. He served in the Phillipines, took a bullet to the head (bounced off of his skull) there, and served another 2 years in Japan after he recovered. The Australians called his unit the Bloody Red Arrows, because they were so dangerous. Go Army.

My Dad was named after the guy who was in the foxhole next to my Grandpa for many banzai attacks including the one in which his buddy was killed. These men payed for our freedom in blood. Respect them. Honor them. Cherish them.

Realize how lucky we are to have the freedom we enjoy. Raise a beer to those who can't drink anymore. We owe it to them.

Happy Memorial Day.

Is Erik ____ gonna have to choke a bitch?

2006-05-24T22:14:00.000-05:00

The cute bartender is free to date again. She won't touch me with a hundred foot pole.

Why? This is why:

Women want a guy who will treat them like shit. They are exciting and are supposedly good in bed. They make them feel like they are alive because they go through the highest of the highs, and slam them into the lowest of the lows. They want to feel like they are a second class citizen. They want someone to take control.

Fuck that. Women do not have a clue what they are missing.

I'm not the best looking guy, but I'm not horrible. I'm getting into better shape every day. And I'm fucking fantastic in bed. I have references dammit.

Women are too fucking proud to realize that the nice, semi-attractive guy is the best one for you. We treat you well. We want you as an equal. We love you for who you are and don't want you to change. Our egos can handle a bit of instruction because we realize that we aren't perfect. We don't expect you to look like a supermodel every day. And even on your bad hair (or whatever) days, we want to love you and even screw you silly.

But apparently to get any, I need to be the guy the liar ex-gf said I am. I need to be the controlling fuck that ruins lives. I need to pay more attention to my friends (or dog as the cute bartender's bf did) than any gf. I must strive to be the biggest cock on the fucking planet because then when "I'm a fucking prick, prick, then you're on top of this." *bonus points*

So what's a guy to do that can make a batch of cookies in the morning, shoot shit up in the afternoon, and screw her silly by night? I can't tell ya since I obviously don't know. It just makes me angry.

Note- Yesterday was by Helmet. Today is a modified quote from a TV show. Take a guess. Or just tell me what's up with women...

...And wake up to my early speechless morning.

2006-05-24T09:43:00.000-05:00

I don't really have anything to say here. Everything that's on my mind has either been covered before, and/or is negative as hell which I'm trying to get away from at the moment and am trying not to give time to.

So, yeah. I'm still the goofy, funny, smart, sad, lonely, mixed-up, undersexed, and too-honest-for-his-own-good guy. You know this, I know this. I can't figure out how to make things better, so I don't really have anything to say right now.

Points for knowing the song in the title.

Easy like Sunday morning

2006-05-21T11:09:00.000-05:00

Catching up on a few things here. Gambino was right on with the NIN quote from a few days ago. The last post's title is a line from a Slipknot song called Vermillion Pt. 1. Good stuff.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm seriously dragging because I went to bed late like the night owl that I am. No clue why I want to be up quite this early. I would've rather slept in until 9 or 10 but my body had other ideas. Oh well, at least it's been really nice and peaceful this morning.

The governor's race is starting already here in Wisconsin. The incumbant is already firing away with negative ads on TV. I'm sure I will be completely sick of the political bullshit and posturing by November. Hell, I probably will be sick of it in a month. I just can't get excited about a process that forces us to choose between two people looking for the lesser evil. It's like someone is asking if I'd rather have a doberman or a rottweiler shit on my lawn. I don't fucking care because it's going to suck either way.

The NRA is in town for their national convention. I loved the news stories about the protests and everyone was agreeing that guns are so bad and we need to ban them. I also heard one story about guns in schools. It made me laugh, because I remember what my grandpa told me about his childhood. He grew up in farm country, and all the kids brough guns to school as soon as they were old enough to use them. They hunted rabbits and another tasty critters on the way home from school (and on the way to school in the winter months). According to the anti-gun lobby, there should've been bloodshed every week with that many guns. Nope. I guess rather than education, we need laws to tell us what to do and what not to.

Not much else going on here but relaxing, daydreaming, and a bit of reading. Looking forward to a few people coming out to visit my bar this week. Hope it will be a nice turnout. Back to the daydreams...

I get nervous, perverse, when I see her it's worse.

2006-05-18T18:12:00.000-05:00

It was a beautiful day for tailgating this morning. I was in the parking lot with the grill going and open beers by 10AM today. I am even a bit sunburned on my face, although the redness could be partly because I've had a sixer or two. We were eating, joking, tossing around a football (because I don't have a baseball glove anymore), and drinking at a perfect spot in the parking lot. We continued all of the above except the football during the game, as well.

Originally I was going to be an ass and start calling the people I knew who were working to give them game and beverage updates, but I thought that would be a little too cruel. A friend of mine wasn't so nice and was texting people in his office. A lot of people were hating their job today.

I took my mom to both games since Mother's day was last week, and her birthday is next week. She had a blast at both games, and unlike most parents I know, can hang with the boys and fit right in. While we were packing stuff up to go tailgating this morning, I asked her how many beers she wanted. "I'm not drinking today, so bring three for me." Rock on. I love my mom.

Last night, we were down real close to the field. One of my friends was enjoying heckling Dellucci way more than he should've. Maybe because he heard him after his first at bat, or maybe it's because Dellucci didn't get another hit after that. Today we were in the club level right behind the home plate. Club level has padded seats, waiters to get you food and drinks, nicer bathrooms, and a bar that serves drinks until the game is over, unlike the rest of the beer vendors. A great way to watch the game, but I still like the seats up front better.

Good news, the Brew crew prevailed (Sorry, Blonde, but your boys have no staying power). We won last night 8 to 7, and won today 5 to 4. With the win on Tuesday, that makes a clean sweep of the Phillies, all decided by one point. Exciting games to watch.

We were surrounded by a lot of gorgeous women last night, which made me nervous and got me thinking. I tend to either babble a lot around attractive women and make lots of dirty jokes, or get really quiet. I was trying to figure out if it's due to the anxiety, or something else that makes me so goofy. I'm sure it's this quality that makes me the chick magnet that I am. What do you think?

Final joke- Why do women have nipples? So men can be suckers all of their lives.

Bonus points for knowing the song the title comes from. The ladies may send their nude pics to me at the email address on the right. ;)

Before and After

2006-05-17T14:25:00.000-05:00

The inside of the watermelon after being hit by the .45 has the consistency of thick salsa. That's what hydrostatic shock does. Wish I could post the video here, but I don't have a place for 3 megs of video. If anyone wants to see it, just let me know where to send it, and I'll mail it to you.

No more time to post today. I'm cooking up some brats in beer to grill at the game. Watch for me at the Brewers game today and tomorrow. Later!

I am a big man, yes I am, and I have a big gun.

2006-05-13T19:20:00.000-05:00

This is an older picture of my best friend firing my Glock. The two flashes above the barrel are from the ports that help compensate for the recoil. Since I shoot a .45, there's a lot of recoil. My friend probably couldn't handle my Glock if it wasn't for the compensation since he's got weak arms and hands. I like the extra help bringing myself back on target faster.

On Tuesday, I went out to an outdoor gun range with my friend here. We were sighting in his AR-10 and generally goofing off and having a good time. I had picked up some hollow point ammunition to try out and get used to. I also decided to bring along a watermelon in case the range was completely empty. Ever since I picked up the premium hollow points, I had been curious to see what they would do. If I could figure out how to post video, I would've put the demise of the watermelon up to see. I have to say, I was amazed at what happened. Definately worth the price of admission.

Thursday I went out and met up with StB and Gambino. I love meeting new people, especially very cool people like those two. We BS'ed for a while, ogled H, and even tried to dial-a-shot Blonde, although I wasn't thinking and called it dial-a-drink. I'm not used to thinking and talking on the phone at the same time. Hell, I'm not used to talking on the phone. I haven't called anyone or been called by anyone in over a month. Anyway, I look forward to two weeks from now when they come down to my dive bar. I also remember why I normally don't drink shots on an empty stomach. Even after I ate, it had already taken effect. I got home and while trying to get some more water in me, I got ill. That'll teach me a lesson, right?

Friday I get a call from Mom. She was in Florida and I was supposed to pick her up today. Plans changed, and now the loser that was supposed to be evicted on the 3rd is picking her up. Hopefully she hasn't changed her mind on this again. This guy should've been out of her life 3 years ago or more. Yet she keeps hanging on for some reason that's incomprehensible to myself and my siblings.

Oh well. I'm going to try to get into a happy mood. I have two Brewers games to go to next week on Wednesday and Thursday against the Phillies. Should be an interesting time.

Bonus points for knowing the song.

On the train of consequences there ain't no coming back

2006-05-08T23:36:00.000-05:00

I think that I mentioned something in passing quite some time ago here that I never got back to. I go off on my little tangents sometimes and forget where I was going in the first place. Since it's been on my mind lately, I'm going to finally get back to it.

Like I've said before, real life and I didn't really get along well. I didn't like it, and it didn't like me. After getting kicked out of college, bouncing around for a while, and falling flat on my face, I hit th bottom and started making some progress again. In 3 years, I went from homeless to living in my own apartment and working full time while going to night classes full time. I was going to school for computer programming. I like computers and am good with them, so I figured I'd do well as a programmer.

Since I didn't have a car, I had to live close to work and school. To manage this, I found a job over on the east side of Milwaukee and an apartment within walking distance of both. I ended up working in a pharmacy thanks to some connections I had since I had never worked in the field of pharmacy before. It was the right place at the right time. I ended up with one of the best bosses I have ever had. The guy was very tolerant of employees as long as you were competent and did your job. I work best in an environment like that.

What really made the job great, is that I got to geek out completely. I asked questions about how all the drugs worked, and sometimes they would tell me about it and other times they pointed me at the references and told me to figure it out. The computer system wasn't known well to most, so I ended up learning it from scratch, troubleshooting it, and then started teaching the people there how to do things they didn't know was possible. I got to know some very interesting people who were very smart. I learned things every day. I had found my place.

I like helping people. I love to use my mind and memory all the time. I like chemistry, anatomy, and science in general. I was born to be a pharmacist. I switched colleges and majors to a pre-PharmD by the end of that year. Over the next few years I established a 3.4 GPA in my new program and was getting ready to start applying to pharmacy schools. I had missed something, tho.

Starting in 2000, the federal government made it a requirement that all new pharmacists had to have a doctoral degree, otherwise known as a PharmD. The only people qualified to teach PharmD's were other PharmD's. This wasn't supposed to be a problem because back in the early 90's a government study said that America would need less pharmacists in the future, but better trained ones. Then they started building a Walgreens on every corner and drug companies were allowed to advertise. Pharmacy sales go through the roof. The population is aging as well, and older people need drugs. See the problem yet?

Now, less pharmacists going into a field that desperately needs more people. Salaries go up sharply in just a few years. A brand new pharmacist in 1990 could pull 70-75k a year starting on average. In 2000, it's frequently in the six-figure range. This lures more PharmD's out of the pharmacy schools and into the business world. With the salaries going up, more students are trying to get into pharmacy school. Back to my story.

I talk to some pharmacy schools trying to decide which one would be better for me. The registrars all want to know what my GPA is. My total cumulative GPA for everything since I left high school. Since I'm a white male, that's the only thing that will get me into pharmacy school. Well, I fucked up my first chance at college with a cumulative GPA of 0.6 after a year. I realize quickly that no school will touch me with that.

That brings me to today. I'd still like to finish college, but I've spent years working on getting into pharmacy school and can't go. It would take even more years to change majors and go for a new degree. Worse yet, I don't even know what I'd want to do or where to start. I've spent a couple years working on a career that got all fucked up a few months back. I'm back at square one at 30 years of age, and I'm not sure where to start again. I don't even have the motivation either, because every time I work my ass off, I end up with nothing to show for it.

This is the source of my professional frustration. For those of you who've read everything here, you know my sources of social and personal frustration. In the animal world, if something causes you pain, you attack it or run from it. In times that animals can't fix their problems, they lay down and wait to die. I understand that response. Right now I'd just like to throw in the towel. My best efforts have all turned to shit, and I'm tired. Not just physically tired, either. My soul is tired. Anyone know a way to rest a weary soul?

Let me know. Or let me know what you think. Bonus points for knowing the song the title comes from.

...And Justice for all.

2006-05-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

When the fuck did I get to be such a whiny bitch?

I know that jack shit has gone on in my life since I left my last job, but when I was reading over my old posts, it seemed like I had something to say back then. These days I cry and whine like someone had removed my nuts and put them in a goddamn jar.

Time for the old/new Erik to come out.

Here's a little story of justice that I was happy to see on the news. A shop owner in Tosa opened his store the other day, and two guys came in to rob it. Shop owner says, "fuck off", and pulls the gun under the counter. Robber #1 takes a bullet to the chest and staggers out of the store. Robber #2 nearly shits his pants and lets himself get taken to the ground. As this happens, the phone rings. The owner of the store answers it and talks to the other gal who works there. He tells her, "Sorry, I can't talk right now, I just shot a guy and am holding another guy at gunpoint until the cops get here."

So, the final tally is one fucker in jail, the other under guard and is in critical condition at the hospital. I love stories when the good guys win.

A quick question, tho. Basically, I've been told by fucking EVERYONE lately that I'm not an attractive guy. According to them, this shouldn't bug me because it's personality that matters, right? I dunno, tho. If people want to start a website to get me a date, I think I have every right to be fucking pissed off, don't you?

Besides, women should be creaming their jeans hoping to get some of this. I mean, all this and I'm good in bed? Hell, I have references and everything. *laughs*

BTW, yesterday's song was Slipknot's "No Life".

I feel like shit....Deja-vu

2006-05-03T09:48:00.000-05:00

Here's the answers to the lyrical montage I threw at everyone last week in case someone cares.

1- "Kill the Rock", Mindless Self Indulgence

2- "Rock Bottom", Eminem

3- "Wise Up! Sucker", Pop Will Eat Itself

I figured that 2 would've been the easy one. The title of the last post came from the chorus of a Bad Religion song.

I like music in my life. It sometimes says the things I'd like to say but don't know how to express it. Music can also be a release or an escape. Other times it just feels good to know that I'm not the only one who feels that way. ST is good for that for me all too often.

Final thought-

I can't remember, I don't understand,
Is it malice that makes you this way?
Carry it with you 'til someone forgives you,
I laugh cuz there's nothing to say.

I'm just a 21st century digital boy, I don't know how to live but I've got a lot of toys

2006-04-27T02:40:00.000-05:00

Warning: drunk and too truthful post. So step off if you can't handle deez nuts, fuckers.

I'm amusing myself by posting tonight. I got blitzed at the bar tonight while ogling the cute bartender. She was talking about her boyfriend (who she knew a whole 2 months before he shipped overseas) and was worried about him coming home on leave, and what was going to happen. Personally, she needs to get on this lap and bite a pillow so we doesn't wake up all of her neighbors instead of waiting for a guy who's never there. Do I tell her this shit? Nope. I'm "the friend", remember?

1- Quote from a song here, bonus points if you know the band and song. "If I'm so wonderful, then why am I so misunderstood?"

I bought an iPod and have spent the last 48 hours deciding what is good enough to be on it. I love it whule I work out. The variety of my tastes shows, tho. Everything is on the damn thing. I still need to get Biz Markie, Henry Rollins, and Pantera on it. Fucking sucks that I don't have those CD's. I have so many good albums on tape and not on CD. Fuck.

2- Here's a song for my mood. More points if you pick the song and artist, bitches.
That's rock bottom,
When this life makes you mad enough to kill
That's rock bottom,
When you want something bad enough to steal
That's rock bottom,
When you feel like you've had it up to here
Cuz you're mad enough to scream
But you're sad enough to tear.

What do I need right now? Companionship? Friends? Love? A helluva good lay? I dunno. I think all of the above. Personally, I need to follow my dreams and fuck a gal on the pitchers mound of Miller Park during a game. Actually, maybe center field so the people with bad seats can get a good show and cheer me on while I bang her doggy style and smack her ass like it's never been smacked before. I must be wrong in the head, right? Maybe I just have the ballpark in my head since I just got tickets for two games in May. Back to back games in a few weeks. I'll be tailgating heavily. I'm even making the brats, biotch.

I haven't decided if I'm going to hit the gun range or the porn store tomorrow. Both are a release, I guess. It's pretty fucking sad if these are the only bright spots in my day, eh?

I deserve so much better. Why don't more gals tell me then want some of this?

Talking to my sister the other day, I hear (15 years too fucking late) that a few of her friends had the hugest crush on me. I dunno why I never saw this at all. I know that I can't judge people, but apparently a couple wanted me badly over many years. I must be dense as shit.

Yeah, this is a long post. Deal with it.

3- Last song quote. You know the deal. Bonus points. Drinks involved if I see ya. Feel lucky. "I'm freaking and you couldn't care less. I've got the deep down crazies trying to get my head round this mess."

Johnny Walker is my friend. I wish I had friends like him who would be at my house when I needed them. As much as I hate to be an alcohol whore (ok, another song lyric), I like being drunk when I feel like this. Part of me wants to end things, and I promised myself I wouldn;t do that. So rather than deal with the part of me that craves self destruction with a drooling maw, I liquor myself up hoping that the hole I feel in my chest will be pacified for a few moments so I can get a second of peace. One reason I masturbate so much, I suppose. I love those seconds ofter a good orgasm where my brain is blank. Sex is a better thing, tho. I can have sex, curl up with the gal afterwards, and think of nothing for hours. The only thing I think of is how good she feels against me. I miss that feeling.

I hope this even makes sense to one person. I hope that I can still pull off grammar and correct spelling at this point. If not, forgive me. If I'm too drunk to understand right now... well, your loss, I guess. I have a loose tongue when I'm drunk. Aren't ya jealous?

Yeah, that's what I thought... *laughs*

Dried up, tied, and dead to the world

2006-04-20T13:16:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting lately as you probably can tell. I'm not really wanting to deal with all the shit out in the world right now. I haven't been answering my phone (not that anyone calls me) since last Saturday. I didn't go to my usual bar visits on Tuesday and Wednesday. I haven't even gone to the gym.

I just don't want to come face to face with people that piss me off. I'm angry, frustrated, and agitated. I could deal with friends who want to come over (not that they want to) but that's about it.

I've been gone from the various groups I'm a part of for a week, and only one person has bothered to check up on me. Color me replaceable. Pretty fucking pitiful, eh?

I know what will get me out of this mood. We all know that isn't going to happen, tho.

I have to build up my willpower so I don't kill anyone at the Brewer game on Friday. I promised my mom that I'd go with her. I'm already regretting making that promise, but I always keep my word. I hope it's not a bat giveaway day...

Sorry for the angry post and the long pauses. I probably won't be posting again for a while, but you never know. Miracles could happen. Yeah, right.

You know what? There is no Easter bunny.

2006-04-13T09:06:00.000-05:00

This Sunday is Easter, and it seems like it has come too early or something this year. Like my mom, I didn't even realize that Easter was upon us until last weekend. Officially I'm Lutheran, but my family has never been big on going to church. I think the last time I went to church for services with the family was when I was 7 or 8. Since Easter snuck up on us this year, we're not even going to have the usual Easter dinner. I've heard more than a few people who are doing the same, too. One family is going to get some hot sliced ham and rolls and that'll be Easter dinner. It's just an odd year...

There's a case here in Milwaukee that's gotten some national airplay thanks to Court TV. Three cops are on trial for beating a guy up at a house party. I won't get into the details of the Jude case, but there was one funny story that came out of it. One gal was on the stand and one of the lawyers was questioning her. They asked her why she was at the party and all that. Then they asked her if she had sex with one of the defendants. Yes. That night? Yes. How about with defendant 2? Yes. That night? Yes. To the best of my knowledge, this is what happened next:

Lawyer: So Ms. ____, you're telling me that you had sex with (defendant 1), and then later had sex with (defendant 2) on the night in question?
Witness: No, it was a the same time.
Court TV Reporter: (sounding shocked) I think the witness has just admitted to having a threesome on national television.

I laughed my ass off on that one for so many reasons.

I went out Tuesday night with a group of people. We meet up every Tuesday so one of the gals suggested calling ourselves the C U Next Tuesday group. The group has some interesting people, but as per usual has more guys than gals. Some of the gals are bi as well. The last two weeks, I haven't even bothered putting a few condoms in my jacket pocket before I go out. I don't see anything happenning there. They are still fun to hang with which is why I keep going out, but it sucks listening to the stories of sexual hijinx that go on in the group and know that I'll probably never get to indulge in them myself.

More stories later...

Scientific reasons to get a little lovin'

2006-04-11T16:15:00.000-05:00

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth andlowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

I stole this from someone, but it tickled my funny bone. I love sex and science, so a dose of the two together made my day. I could use 3, 5, and 7 particularly. Which ones are more important to you?

My early speechless morning

2006-04-11T01:50:00.000-05:00

I'm grumpy, moody, and I can't fall asleep before 4am for some reason. I don't really know why I can't get out of this little rut I'm in at the moment. Suggestions?

I don't really have much to say at all. I didn't do much this weekend other than reading, cleaning, and playing games. Nobody has called in a while, so I haven't called anyone either. Oh well. We had great weather today. I must not have anything on my mind if I'm talking weather here. *shrugs* Just that kind of day...

T-Bow FTW, and updates

2006-04-08T11:27:00.000-05:00

This is what a 100 mph fastball looks like when trying to be captured on my camera. For those who don't know the Brewers well, this is Derrick Turnbow on the mound. I was there with my family watching T-Bow get his 4th save and the Brewers are still undefeated for the year.

The game itself was fast and not really all that exciting. It was a pitcher's battle with lots of strikeouts and very few men on base. Prince Fielder is having a rough beginning of the season. He had 3 men on base with only one out and proceeded to ground out which turned into a double play. He just can't seem to get going this year. Hopefully he'll get out of his slump soon.

My family and I were going to tailgate the game but 40 degree temperatures and a messy forecast put an end to that. I did marinate and grill some brats to enjoy at my mom's house before we went to the game. It was surreal grilling as we were getting a dusting of snow. Good thing I had a beer in my hand, because I left my jacket inside. If it wasn't for the beer, I might've gotten cold. *laughs*

Last year, I caught a Carlos Lee foul ball and gave it to my mom since she is a bigger baseball fan than I am. When I was over there yesterday, I noticed that she had gotten it signed by Carlos Lee and sealed up in plastic on it's own little trophy stand. It was nice to see my efforts were appreciated.

In other news, the gal downstairs with the abusive boyfriend is back with him. No big surprise there. She did smile when she saw me, which is good since it's the first time I've seen her smile since they moved in. When I asked how she was doing, she said that everything was ok. Not likely, but I can't do much unless she wants to talk about it. Oh well, she knows where I live if she ever gets to that point.

And this is my competition?

2006-04-06T01:58:00.000-05:00

I'm getting involved in something that's not my business, and I really shouldn't. A saw a guy throwing bottles and yelling at his girlfriend tonight and forced him to step the fuck off. I hope it doesn't end up worse for the asshole's gf, but I can't fucking stand to see a woman abused in front of me. I'm hoping that she'll come over here to talk rather than waiting for the asshole to come home. I have my Glock out just in case.

EDIT: (just read teh Blonde 's blog)

3 Names U go By: Erik, Whitey, "Guy who rocked my world" hehe ask the ex ;)

3 Screen Names U Have Had: Erik, Yzabelle (in games), Missing(in)Action

3 Things U Like about Yourself: I'm honest, smart, and a damn good person in general

3 Things U Don't Like about Yourself: Depression, my face/look, my tendancy to learn everything the hard way.

3 Parts of Your Heritage: Irish, English, Scotish, German, Scandinavian

3 Things that Scare U: Heights, my need for love from other people, Women.

3 of Your Everyday Essentials: Orgasm, Women, food.

3 Things U are Wearing Right Now: Sweats, Glock, ummm I'm out of apparel here.

3 of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists: Suicidal Tendancies, Tool/A Perfect Circle, Johnny Cash

3 of Your Favorite Songs: Man in Black, How will I laugh tomorrow?, Passive

3 Things U Want to Try in the Next 12 Months: Meet all the great people I talk to online, Be happy, be there for anyone who needs me.

3 Things You Want in a Relationship: Love, Honesty, Intelligence

3 Things about the Same Sex that Appeal to U: The ability to cut through bullshit, the acceptance, the simplicity of talking without worrying wat they'll think I mean.

3 Things U Just Cannot Do: Lie, Have sex with a man (I dunno how women like us, but I'm glad you do), Not care about people I meet.

3 of Your Favorite Hobbies: Games, Sex, and Cook

3 Things U Want to do Really Bad Right Now: Sex, Beat the shit out of controlling fuckers, Travel around the country and Europe

3 Careers U are Considering: Sex worker/ Porn star ;), Trainer, Drug Sales

3 Places You Want to Go on Vacation: Europe, Asia, Australia

3 Kid's Names: I have no kids, but I love an ex's kids dearly (Candice and Ashley)... if I named a kid it would either be Jason or Natasha

3 Things U Want to Do Before U Die: See every continent personally, Have a three (or more) some with me being the center of attention, Make all of my friends happy

3 Ways U are Stereotypically a Boy: I don't understand women, I love breasts, I like porn

3 Ways U are Stereotypically a Chick: I like to listen to people, I have a need to please other people, and I want to feel loved more than I want to get laid.

3 Celeb Crushes: Fairuza Balk, Melinda Clarke, Some unnamed large chested celebrity ;)

3 People U Would Like to Complete This Quiz: StB, the cute bartender, Liv (hopefully she'll come back)

No pain, no gain... and phrases

2006-04-05T09:41:00.000-05:00

I shall never use a workout to try to keep myself awake again. I spent way longer than I should've at the gym, and now I can't lift my arms above my head and my abs feel like someone's been sucker punching me all morning. I can even fidget in my chair without hurting right now. I'm still awake, tho. Like usual, my mind is strong and overcomes the weak body. As long as it doesn't involve some really good food.

Anyway, while trying to keep going at the gym, I was watching the TV screens and saw a lot of cliches being used on the morning news programs. I love learning out how words and phrases start, so this morning you're getting a lesson in their entymology.

----- In WW2, the gunners in bomber crews judged how nasty things got by how much ammunition they had to use. The ammo belts they used were 27 feet long. When the shit hit the fan, they used up the whole belt. Whes asked how bad the mission was, they simply said that they went through the whole nine yards.

----- A miller's job is to grind down grain into flour. They used water wheels frequently to turn the stones that would crush the grain. You make high quality flour by making it very fine, which took a good miller. A good miller could tell you how fine your flour was going to be by the smell of it. In other words, a good miller kept their nose to the grindstone.

----- English pubs used to sell beer by volume. Unlike most of Europe who used liters, they used gallons, quarts, and pints to measure liquids. Since most people didn't buy beer by the gallon, the mugs at pubs came in two sizes, quarts and pints. Since neighbors don't take too kindly to a loud pub, bartenders frequently had to settle down a crowd. The one that was used most was "Mind your pints and quarts" which shortened down to "mind your p's and q's."

Anyway, enough of the history lesson for today. I need to get some more caffeine in me, and I think coffee is the way to go. Either Starbucks or Alterra will keep me awake, I'm sure of it. Later folks...

The long goodnight, and the morning after

2006-04-04T13:36:00.000-05:00

This is a pic I took a while ago while I was working. It was in a pharmacy for a mental institution. I know it was probably used for medicinal use, but the sign was too funny to pass up.

I'm planning on doing something silly tonight. I'm heading to a bar with a group of people and I'm planning on not drinking. I'm not really doing this on a whim. I have my reasons.

First of all, Anger + Frustration + Depression + Alcohol = BAD. I've been holding back quite a bit lately. I really don't want to end up going off on someone because I'm inebriated and venting. I'd rather make it a fun evening.

Also, my sleeping pattern is all messed up and I think I know how to fix it. Thanks to getting sick and then Daylight Savings Time, I get to sleep around 4 or 5 in the morning and wake up around noon. This doesn't help my mood one bit. Since I can't seem to sleep any earlier, I'm going to stay up all night. I figure start pouring in the caffeine at the bar, and keep it going until tomorrow night.

By being up all night, I'll be fairly braindead when I get to my bar on Wednesday. I'm not sure if that'll be a good thing, tho. I'll either listen, not talk much, and leave early because I'm tired, or I'll blather on about something that will get me into trouble with the cute bartender. I suppose it really doesn't matter much either way. I'm probably out of the picture one way or another anyhow.

Here's something I was pondering the other day. I think I feel more alone than most people. I've said before how I don't get vibes off of people, and never really know how people feel about me. I judge how people feel about me by their actions since I've had a lot of liars school me in why I shouldn't trust what people say. I still tend to trust what people say but if it involves me I take it with a huge grain of salt until their actions show through. I try to look for little things like people calling me up just to talk or to hang out together. I look for people who go out of their way for me. I still think of sex as the best way to connect with people. I know that people can just want to fuck and not love someone. Hell, I've fucked many people I didn't love. I've only fucked gals that I'd consider to be a friend, tho. I have to care about someone before I'll let them in.

Like usual, I don't know if this makes sense. I probably sound like a whiny little wuss, or a wannabe romantic, or something like that. Not a fun or smart thing to talk about either, I'm sure. Thanks for letting indulge my introvert side, tho. As always, let me know what you think.

Nice guys finish last

2006-04-02T23:00:00.000-05:00

I'm stuck in the friend zone again and life sucks. I was at my bar and talking with the cute bartender. She was talking about some cardio striptease program she was doing, so I had to say that I'd sure like to see that. Very seriously she says, "Sorry Erik, you're not on the list of guys that I want to see me naked."

That means that I'm more than just a friend, I'm "The Friend". "The Friend" is the guy that girls feel so comfortable with that they can talk to about anything. They know that they can go out with us, get drunk, and we'll make sure they get home unmolested. They can get an honest male perspective without bugging the neanderthals that they usually date. Worse yet, they like to say how they wish their boyfriend would be more like us. Basically, we are the ideal man, just not attractive enough to fuck.

Fuck.

I have until Wednesday to get it off my mind, tho. That's when I'll be back at my bar, so hopefully I can get that chip on my shoulder before arriving. I have a fairly busy week this week. Tomorrow, I'm doing a full cleaning of my house. Tuesday, I'll be meeting a group of people at a different bar. Wednesday is the usual gathering at my bar. Thursday is a night of goofing off with the boys. Friday is the Brewer game. We'll be tailgating it, so hopefully the weather will cooperate.

It feels way too early to be April. I've now been off work for 2 months, and I still don't feel like searching for a job seriously yet. I have the money to keep relaxing, and that's what I've been doing. To be honest, about the only thing that's interesting me lately is the hopes of getting laid. I need a few friends with benefits, a home of my own, and a winning lotery ticket.

I think my best chance of getting one of those three is the lottery ticket with how my luck has been going.

In the zone?

2006-03-30T21:29:00.000-06:00

Well, today I spent the morning thinking and the afternoon hanging with friends. Had a bunch of friends just leave a little while ago, in fact. I also went to the gun range with one of them earlier. I'm a fairly good shot, but I seem to group my shots low and to the left, and I haven't figured out what I'm doing wrong yet. I bet I'm tensing up or something right before I fire, but I don't notice what I do as I do it. Might need some help to fix it.

I had an interesting night yesterday evening. Talked to the cute bartender as my evening went on and the other customers at the bar slowly left. Two of her friends came in and eyed me a little suspiciously. The cute bartender said to one, "This is Erik. Don't worry about him, he's like a girlfriend to me." I had two distinct reactions here.

1. Ok, she's trying to make her friends comfortable around me so we can all talk.

2. Oh shit, I'm in the friend zone where there is almost no return from. Only one huge sucking sound.

I laughed it off and talked to them all. It's never totally a bad thing being the only guy around 3 girls. After a while of bantering, they left and the bartender and I continued talking again. I asked a while later about the girlfriend comment, and she said "I talk to you about stuff that I don't talk to any other guy with. Take it as a compliment."

Being horribly bad at judging other people, I thanked her and left it at that. I'm still quite curious where that puts me, tho. I'm hoping to get her out where we can bullshit and have some drinks together eventually but with her working, in college, and going home to visit her family most weekends, time is at a premium. So until then, what do you think?

Road to Recovery, and the Amazing Racist

2006-03-28T19:11:00.000-06:00

I haven't been good for anything the past few days. I'm feeling very sluggish and sore thanks to a nasty fever, and I'm not looking forward to my next trip to the gym since I haven't been there in almost a week. I'm glad to be able to do things that didn't involve me and a couch, tho. I was playing on the Playstation while I was couch-ridden, but my attention span was as long as a housefly's. My sleep cycle is all messed up, too. I wasn't tired last night until 4:30AM and I know it's going to be a pain to get back to sleeping my normal hours. I was well enough to wash my blankets today and hang them outside to dry. My bedroom smells so nice now. Hopefully I will sleep very well tonight.

Here in Milwaukee, there's been a story that's all over the news. Two kids disappeared last Sunday, and nothing has been heard of since. I feel bad that they are gone, and worse for knowing that since they've been gone for over a week now, there is little hope that they're still alive. I don't know of anyone has heard of this story outside of Milwaukee because the kids (Purvis and Quadravion) are black. The family seems to be total hood rats, which makes me think that the national news programs are probably ignoring this story.

One of the byproducts of this story (which is on ALL the time since it broke) is that the black community's rabble rousers are out in full force. Alderman McGee has topped the stupidity scale over all the others, tho. He went on camera suggesting that they should create a law that adds 10 years on to the sentence of anyone who is convicted of killing someone who is black. First of all, what happened to all men are created equal? Second, are you that fucking STUPID? I can understand adding years to a sentence for a hate crime, but this is complete bullshit. I know that his suggestion will be laughed at if he ever proposes it. What scares me is that I'm sure a fair amount of people in his district will agree with him and will say that the Man is keeping them down by not passing this legislation. Those poor racist bastards...

I'm hoping to make it to the bar tomorrow. I really need a beer. And a lovely gal on my lap. At least I can count on the beer...

Out of Commission

2006-03-26T11:59:00.000-06:00

Sorry about there not being any posts, but I've been sick to the point of not being functional. I can't think straight right now. I must have that bug that's going around. I fucking hate being sick.

Where's a nurse when you need one?

Whining and bitching

2006-03-23T02:33:00.000-06:00

I was thinking of posting something more meaningful, but it hardly seems worth it when I get no comments. I suppose I'm a bit of a post or attention whore, but one reason I do this is to connect with people.

I had an interesting night with the cute bartender and an almost equally attractive friend. The cute one just dyed her hair and is much more smart than the other, but both look delicious. Now someone just needs to talk to them to consider a threesome.

*big sigh*

Well, you wonder why I always dress in black?

2006-03-21T23:23:00.000-06:00

I dunno what it is. I just don't fit in. I'm too smart, too sexual, too willing to feel all that life throws at me, too quiet, too nice, too ugly, too understanding.

I'm just too Erik.

I sat at a table today drinking beer with people who were talking to each other like great friends. And then there was me. When I spoke, I might as well be Quasimodo interrupting their discussion. They were just waiting for their turn to talk and ignoring me. Sometimes they didn't bother waiting and just talked over me. I don't know if anyone else feels like this sometimes or most times like I do. I don't like feeling alone in a crowd. I don't like feeling alone period, but that's not my choice to make.

I wish I could belong sometimes, but that doesn't seem to be the way I'm built. I am a bit jealous of those who can fit in anywhere. I'll just have to deal with being alone...

'Til things are brighter, I'm the man in black.

St. Patty's Fallout

2006-03-20T07:20:00.000-06:00

And for once, I'm not involved in the drama.

First of all, Wisconsin got their asses handed to them by Arizona. Then the Panthers got their asses handed to them by Florida. No Wisconsin teams left at the big dance, so I have nobody to cheer for anymore. Only amusing thing was Bradley taking on Pitt State yesterday. The whole game the scoreboard read

Brad ##
Pitt ##

I thought it was amusing. I'm a weird guy tho, right?

Now on to the first bit of drama from St. Patty's. My sister T-boned a car on her way to the bar. I'm very happy to say that she doesn't seem to be hurt (although her back is very sore). The lady who she hit was supposedly not drunk, but the officers on the scene said that the collision was not my sister's fault. Good thing, too, since my sister didn't renew her insurance. She's lucky that she has a nice brother that's willing to drive her to work at ungodly early morning hours, too. I should get a medal. At least I get free Starbucks coffee to help wake my ass up. Although I agree with this guy (NSFW: language) about the sizes there.

Speaking of that, I'll be getting a medal for my actions in another bit o' drama from St. Patty's. One of my friends at the bar made the mistake of playing dice when he got in. So not only is he putting away 7 and 7's like he normally does, but he added at least 7 shots of Jameson on top of it. The guy was so bombed he couldn't even stand. I had to help him to the men's room and point him in the right direction otherwise he would've pissed on the wall. Another regular at the bar told me over and over that I was a good friend and that she was going to make me a medal. *laughs* I think she though I was unzipping and aiming for the guy or something. Oh well. It's going to be fun to laugh at that drunk bastard on Wednesday.

Other drama: One of the cops who hang at the bar had a bit of a surprise. His wife showed up as he was chatting occaisionally with his girlfriend while working his way into the pants of another. She was oblivious. I was amazed. I just can't see juggling and lying to women like that. I like my life simple. I also would like to be fucking three lovely women like this guy is, but who am I kidding? I don't hold back on the truth and I seem to have lost the touch I once had. Once had, you ask?

Flash back here to 5 years ago. I was going to school full time, working full time and helping out at another job every weekend for 8-12 hours a day. Somehow in the midst of all this I found time for 4 girls. The amazing thing is that I never lied or held anything back on any of them. Two were friends with benefits, one was a gal who I was head over heels with but knew it wouldn't work out with, and the other was taking lessons from me on sex and how to enjoy it. How I managed all of that, I still do not know.

Sorry about that... had to brag a little. For some reason my sex life goes from feast to famine. No clue why or how that works, tho. I guess I'm not one to do things only halfway. *shrugs*

Final bit of drama. Two black guys wearing sunglasses and hoods came walking in during the day. They looked around quick, walked through the bar to the back door, and kept on going. You could tell they were thinking of robbing the place. The funny thing would have been if they tried. There was 2 county officers, 7 city officers, and the owner of the bar ready to throw down at that moment if any trouble happened. Maybe that's what they saw when they cased the place. I wish there had been a camera pointing their way, tho. The look on their faces were priceless.

Hope y'all had a good one as well. Toss some comments out there and let me know whatcha think.

Kiss me, I'm Irish!

2006-03-17T00:23:00.000-06:00

After doing some serious drinking on Tuesday and Wednesday, I took today off to watch UW-Milwaukee beat Oklahoma. I almost started drinking during the Marquette game because they were playing so poorly. I held back because after 2 nights of heavy drinking, I was going to need some rest and rehydration.

St. Patrick's day is tomorrow and I am going to be so trashed. I'm going to work out, take my car home, and take a cab to the bar. I'll either catch a ride with someone I know or get a cab back home later.

I want to get to the bar so I can get my corned beef sandwiches ordered and a pint of Guinness put in front of me before the Wisconsin game tomorrow. I haven't decided if I'm going to get there at 11AM and stay until bar close, or something else. 15+ hours of drinking might be a little too much to handle, tho. Depends on how much fun I'm having. Or how many lovely Irish gals would like to sit on my barstool. ;) Taking volunteers here...

Take care everyone. Have a great St. Patty's and stay safe and off the roads if you can.

Additions

2006-03-15T05:12:00.000-06:00

First of all, Yes I've sought help in the past. No, it's not helped me one bit other than made me broke. Not trying to be condescending or rude, I'm just saving time explaining after the other day.

Second, the attractive (at least to all the girls at the bar) guy who the group met tonight sent me a message that would've made most gals cry. Here it is. "Between just u and me, will u be my first bi experience?" Sorry man, not bi. Not gay. I've been talking about tits all evening and you think I'm bi? What. The. Fuck?

I get more messages from guys who want to see my cock than gals. Fucking sad to say, too. I do not understand it.

I just do not get people. I don't get pussy either. *laughs*

A sad state of affairs, I tell ya...

I felt like destroying something beautiful

2006-03-10T19:45:00.000-06:00

I royally fucked up. Again.

I haven't been quite sharing everything going on. Some was because I wanted to hold on to in case something became of it. Others were because of embarassment. This is one of those stories.

I went off the handle. I got drunk and let my emotions come out to play which I try to never let happen. I vented to people who had never seen the angry side of me (damn Irish temper) which doesn't come out often because I know how bad it is. When the angry side came out, it cracked the levee and everything else came spilling out, too. All of the jealousy, all of the depression, all of the desperation in me.

To top it off, I left to go home and continue to vent through IM's and such. Then the rage flared out, taking everything but the hurt and sadness with it. Between IM's I hunted through my house for my pistols and ammunition. I tossed my phone aside giving up on people who didn't want to bother to respond (and who can blame them?) My momentum was sending me over the cliff, and then I stopped. I spent the next hour or two alternately crying and toggling the safety on my pistol. I finally crawled into bed and went to sleep.

The next morning it hit me. I am a complete dumbass. I scared the shit out of the few people who seem to care about me. I was so ashamed. I really can't apologize enough for how I acted. My self destructive side was out of the bottle, and I'm still desperately trying to put it back. I am still hurting and venting, and I'll probably lose a friend or two even if I'm lucky. I'm probably doing a damn good job of alienating and scaring you guys, too.

After the explosion an happens, there is a rush of air in the opposite direction as it gets pulled back into place. I'm feeling that emotional void, and I desperately want to fill it with something. I'd like nothing better to curl up in a ball and just have someone who cares there to hold me and tell me it's all better going to be better. I think the blast guaranteed that there's nobody left to do it, tho.

It would save me the pain and embarassment to just finish what I keep starting and dive into that blackness in my soul. I can't, tho. I made a promise, and even as sad, lonely, hurting, and miserable as I felt at that moment, I still had to keep the promise. No matter how drunk I got, how angry I was, and how much more I fucked up my life, I still had to keep my promise. I might've promised myself a bit too much.

Me and my damn sense of honor.

Points for knowing the quote.

Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket

2006-03-09T14:45:00.000-06:00

I have a bit of a conundrum right now that's bugging the hell outta me. I've got the opportunity to join in a threesome with a couple of cool people. The problem is, the gal just doesn't seem that into it. Or maybe she's just not into me that way. It wouldn't piss me off if she said, "It was his idea and I'm not interested in being anything but a friend w/o benefits with ya." Either way, there's a distinct lack of enthusiasm there.

I'm one of those silly guys that can't fuck a gal that isn't into it. If she lies there like a dead fish, not interested. If she has to be talked into screwing me, not interested. If she demands that I give her (object) before she'll do anything, Not Interested. I'm funny that way. Yet another reason I don't get laid as much as I'd like.

The other thing that bugs me (since my brain never shuts up like it should), is that if she's not into it and the guy isn't into men (he's not, as far as I know), then why was I asked to join in? My ego is damaged enough from the normal wear and tear in my life, but the thought of pity sex takes things to a whole different level. I don't think I could handle accepting pity. Maybe I have a little self esteem left that says, "You're too good to sell yourself short." Maybe I'm just stubborn. I could be a complete fool, too.

I think too much. What do you think about all of this?

On Hold

2006-03-07T10:03:00.000-06:00

I feel like all I'm doing is waiting for other people lately. I want a good job, a good life, and great sex but after doing what I can about it, I can only wait. Normally I'm a pretty patient guy. Don't get me wrong, I don't like to wait but it doesn't bother me usually. Except now I'm waiting for everything.

I handed (and am still handing) out my resume. I gave it to a headhunter to see what they could find. I still have not heard back from anyone about a job. Makes me wonder if the market's that bad right now, or if it's me.

Love's always a waiting game. You put yourself out where you can be seen, but there's nothing else you can do about it. If it happens, it usually smacks you upside the head to let you know. Other times it can be like fishing where you wait for that nibble and pull in your line. But you gotta wait for the nibble. ;)

Sex should be easier to find, but I refuse to lie to get it. I won't pretend to be in a relationship just to get some. I don't offer anything but the total truth, which isn't easy for a lot of people to accept. Here in the Midwest it seems that if a gal enjoys sex, she has to keep it hidden from the world. Or at least that's how they're raised. A lot of people never get past that. I'm glad I did. The only problem is to get gals to be that earthy, you seem to have to look like Pitt/Clooney/etc. or have a silver tongue. Well, I have a silver tongue, but not when I'm talking. *laughs* I'm not known for my charm or tact. I'm known for being a nice guy, honest, funny, smart, and all that, but those traits to leap out at most gals until after they think of me as sex worthy or not. I lose at first glance all too often.

I keep trying, tho.

Domestic goodness

2006-03-04T09:16:00.000-06:00

I get the joy of having a tooth removed on Monday. The offending tooth is a baby tooth than got a cavity in it and isn't worth saving. Baby teeth are not made to last almost 30 years, but this one did. The thing that bugs me is that they're going to have to put in a bridge. Expensive as hell and I have no insurance. So I'm going toothless for a while. Better that than to have a tooth slowly rot out and fall to pieces in my mouth. The tooth that should be there fused itself to my skull and isn't coming down. Darn teeth.

My house smells like cookies right now. Delicious chocolate chip cookies. I made them yesterday, and I woke up with a big ol' smile on my face this morning. To me, when anything good is cooking, that's the smell of home. I think I'm going to keep the streak going by making something italian later on like lasagne or a batch of homemade sauce and spaghetti. *chuckles* My love of food is the reason why I have to go to the gym. I'd rather eat and drink what I want, than be on a diet that makes eating boring. I needed to get more muscle on me anyhow.

My time without a roommate is coming to a close, unfortunately. Way too fast for me. I didn't even get laid on ever pieces of furniture in the house yet. Oh well. I am going to start a top to bottom cleaning today, tho. I want the place sparkling above and beyond the usual level when she gets back. I'm not sure why it's important to me to get the house clean, either. It's not like I have to impress my roommate or anything. *shrugs*

Bitches love me cuz they know that I can fuck

2006-03-02T01:15:00.000-06:00

I don't know why this is, but women see me as they guy that can make them cum or that they can talk to, but not the guy they want to date. I can't explain it. I have two gals who are seriously considering fucking the shit outta me, and one who's thinking about it. The rest don't want to touch me with a ten foot pole.

I don't mind being friends. I don't mind being fuck buddies. Why am I not loved, tho?

I suppose I should shut up. Some guys don't even get considered in the whole getting fucked process. Hell, there are even a few gals from AFF who are thinking about screwing me, but I'm not counting them in my count yet. The thing is, I want to be fucked regularly. However, I want to be loved too. Not even loved in the romantic way. I want someone that wants to curl up with me and hold me. I miss feeling like I'm a special person from a woman. I want them to lay their head on my chest as we lay in bed together. I want to feel close to someone and safe.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Points for anyone who identifies the song lyric in the title.

Mr. Brown Shoes

2006-02-28T09:46:00.000-06:00

I'm jealous. My sister is in Ireland right now having a wonderful time. She's there for another week before she has to come back. I still have not made it off the North American continent yet. Grumbles.

I want to see the world, but I want to get myself set up first. A good job, nice house, and all that. I got a late start in trying to reach those goals. I screwed up my first time in college, and then drifted around the country. The whole time I worked dead-end jobs. I could've accepted that and ended up in charge of any of them, but I was desperately unhappy with mind-numbing tasks. Maybe that's why my job search is so depressing. I have the knowledge and ability to do so much, but no degree or official expertise to back it up. More grumbles. Oh well...

The only good thing is that I have the house to myself. I missed being able to wake up, wrap up in a blanket, and lounge around the house wearing nothing else. I've been going to the gym and occaisionally to hang out with friends. Sometimes at a bar, sometimes not. Other than that, I've been distracting myself with books and games. I've even been avoiding blogging because when I blog, I put down what I'm thinking, which makes me about it more. I really don't want to be analyzing myself right now since I'm not happy with what I see.

An old Tonight Show guest put it best, I think. "Have you ever felt the world was a tuxedo, and you were a pair of brown shoes?" That's me. Mr. Brown Shoes. I can't find my niche to save my life. That's certainly an apt phrase, too.

Anyway, off to distract myself before I start feeling too down again...

Stranger than fiction

2006-02-24T09:53:00.000-06:00

I didn't get one digit. I got all of the cute bartender's digits the other night. I'm still a little in shock and wondering if I got the number because I'm just a friend or something else is going on. Either way, it could be fun. I'm going in with no expectations so either way, I'll be in a good mood. The least I can do here is to end up with a friend, and that's not a bad thing at all. I'll give her a call this weekend.

I've been trying to work on feeling better. I've been making it to the gym, going out to meet people, and doing little things to put me in a better mood. I'll be making chocolate chip cookies later as a little reward to myself for doing something rather than sitting on my ass and whining about things. I'm such a sucker for treats sometimes. Actually, I'm such a sucker for a lot of things, but go figure?

I haven't spent as much time as I should've looking for a job, but I have a fairly big cushion. I'm glad I have the time right now to relax. So what if I'm not employed for the moment since it's making me a happier person. I'm sure my dad would freak if he heard this, since he's a nose to the grindstone kind of person. I'm not a workaholic like he is, I just sometimes seem like one when things need to get done. No wonder my dad and I agree to disagree on many things.

Ran out of steam here, so I'm off to the gym. Talk to ya soon...

Guilty of being white

2006-02-23T00:15:00.000-06:00

While I was working out this morning, I was listening in an a couple over conversations that left me sick to my stomach. The conversations weren't disgusting, but they were appaling to me. Both were inspired by one of the news programs about Black History Month.

First conversation: Two older black men were talking about MLK and the things he tried to do. I almost tuned out the conversation until they started talking how white people conspire to keep the black man down and are all such fuckers for doing it. What the fuck? I must've missed the day when they were supposed to give me my Keep the Black Man Down membership card.

Second conversation: Two black gals were talking about how the white man invented slavery and was going to burn in hell for it. You fool, get your fucking facts straight. Slavery has been around for most of recorded history. Read the bible that you're thumping there, dammit.

I'm angry because of the stupidity and ignorance I was listening to. I would've said something, but it occured to me that none of them would've understood the double standard they were protraying there. Most of them probably were thinking something like "Everybody's a racist, except for me because I'm black."

I could rant quite a while on this but instead, I'm going to put the lyrics to the song in the title instead of letting you look it up. It's an old punk song that most people haven't heard of.

I'm sorry
For something I didn't do
Lynched somebody,
But I didn't know who.
You blame me
For slavery
A hundred years before I was born.

Guilty of being white [4x]

I'm convicted
Of a racist crime.
I've only served
19 years of my life.

[repeat intro]

Guilty of being white [3x]
Guilty of being right

Hey fuck-ass, get me a beer!

2006-02-22T00:54:00.000-06:00

Holy crap, I can't believe it. I went out expecting to have a crappy evening at the bar and that nobody would show again, and I was wonderfully wrong. Three lovely gals to brighten my spirits. I even got to see some delicious looking breasts and nipple rings as well. Not as up close and personal as I might've liked, but great eye candy none the less. Yummy. If only they had been mouth candy. ;)

The great thing is that I saw them all before I got buzzed up, and they looked good before the alcohol hit my brain. I'm probably dreaming that I'll get to play with any of them, but any that do want to play will be peeling themselves from the ceiling after I get through with them. *evil grin* Lots of fun to be had by all.

I've been drinking Guinness all evening, and probably more than I should've. What's a Guinness or 12 when you're having fun, tho? It's all about the fun...

I suppose it shows that I'm a bit on the hammered side, right?

Fuck, now that I'm thinking of it, one lovely gal told me that I should meet her at a local bar, and I've forgotten the name of the place. Crap, Crap, Crap..... oh well, will have to hope I can get it by next tuesday.

Extra bonus points for those of you who can tell me where the title comes from. (great film!)

Today is tomorrow and tomorrow, today while yesterday is weaving in and out

2006-02-20T12:32:00.000-06:00

I'm back since I'm tryin not to feel so horrible at the moment. I'm still not a particularly happy person right now. I was almost back on track on Saturday since I was busy getting ready to meet a new gal. I figured that I'd just post when I got back because I was fairly sure nothing was going to happen right away. Boy was I right...

Yep, I got stood up. I felt pretty damn humiliated sitting at the bar nursing a few beers waiting for someone who never bothered to call to cancel or anything. I even waited for an hour and a half since I didn't feel the need to wander out into the sub-zero temperatures we had this weekend. I suppose I was still hoping at the end that she'd wander in and I'd be able to salvage the evening. Pretty dumb of me, eh?

I might have posted this link before, but it's fitting right now. On the inside, I feel like the guy right at the end of the animation. Here's the link: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bunny.php

I'm getting back in the habit of working out again, and I'm sore as hell. I barely could climb up the stairs to my apartment after an hour on the eliptical. I'm going to keep going every weekday, tho. I really want to get back in shape, tho. I think I may take a few pictures for some before and after shots. That way I can see how the workouts are shaping me. Maybe I'll share them here.

I'm back to reading blogs again as well, so I'm going to go catch up on all the people that I've been neglecting. See ya soon.

FYI

2006-02-13T22:40:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling very down and antisocial right now. Valentine's day sucks. Car salesmen suck. The IRS sucks. My old employer sucks. My friends suck. Women? Well, they aren't sucking, and that sucks.

Life sucks right now. I need a beer.

I might not be posting for a couple days again. I just feel like there's nothing to post about since I'm stuck in negative mode. Bonus points for anyone recognising this appropriate lyric;

I will never be young
I will never be loved
I will never be wrong
So I am royally fucked

Medicated to the one I love

2006-02-10T23:42:00.000-06:00

It doesn't feel like Friday night. I have no clue where this week went, either. I slept part of it away, and the rest of the time I was zonked out with this damn fever and all. I probably would've gotten some NyQuil, but that would've required me to walk a mile in freezing temperatures since I don't have a car at the moment.

Speaking of the car, the sales people are getting desperate for a sale. They keep calling my phone offering me slightly better payments. Kinda funny. I have them down for a $270 a month lease... of I wait until Monday, I might get them to $250... probably would accept their offer then. It's for a Toyota Corrolla which isn't anything special, but it would get me around town without having to pay out the ass for gas. Or do any of you know how to go about getting a car in better ways? I'm still wondering if just buying a used car would be better.

I've been quite scatter-brained lately. Everything is almost fuzzy like when I've had a few, but without the fun aspect. I don't have the beer goggles on either. Hell, I can't even enjoy myself. Everytime I start doing anything remotely exciting, I get dizzy. The damn infection is enjoying my sinuses, and I'm decidedly not.

I shouldn't say this, but I'm starting to feel a bit better. Hopefully this eill continue, too. I know this will probably get Murphy's attention and I'll end up at the doctor's office, tho. Oh well. I do have another 5 chances at the lottery for tomorrow. $250 million. I figure with all the bad luck I've been having, I'm due for a shot o' good luck.

I see and hear way too much about Valentine's Day even though I haven't really gone out much. It's kinda sickening to me because when I see all the couples enjoying and looking forward to the day, a part of me says, "Hey, What the fuck is going on here? I deserve that, dammit!" Throw frustration on top of loneliness and it isn't the most pleasant mix out there. I miss feeling the love.

Maybe I'll load up a game this weekend, make up some snacks, grab some beer, and huddle up in a nice warm blanket. Not a very exciting weekend, but I think it's the best I can do with what I got. Wouldn't you agree?

Chicken Soup for the Sick in the Head

2006-02-07T00:07:00.000-06:00

A bit of an extended break here, but let me fill you in on what's been going on. I was out on Saturday clearing thick brush to make a path through 55 acres of woods. It was just over freezing, but the woods kept the wind off so I was almost hot while I was carrying trees off the forming path.

I should've been paying more attention to the little cough I had been getting as of thursday. After spending 4 or more hours working in the woods, I grabbed dinner with a few other guys that worked with me. From there it was time to go home, peel off the layers of clothing, and take a hot shower. The shower relaxed me a bit and I started feeling sleepy as hell, so I took a nap.

When I woke up, I felt like absolute shit. The cough was in full force, my head was stuffed up and throbbing, and my whole body ached. Fuckity fuck. I went from sniffles to full blown flu in 4 hours. And it's still working on me. I barely remember watching the superbowl since I was so out of it.

Speaking of the Superbowl, I was surprised that Seattle didn't win. I'm not into analyzing games, but I tend to be good at guessing wins intuitively. I guessed that the Seahawks would win, and during more of the first half it seemed like I was right. Then it went the other way, and that's all she wrote for that one. That's one of the reasons I don't bet on football. heh

Anyway, I gotta lay down. I've been dizzy a lot from this flu so I haven't been doing much that requires me to sit up. I've watched a lot of crappy TV, tho. I'll probably will be watching more tomorrow. Later.

And I think to myself, What a wonderful world

2006-02-03T10:00:00.000-06:00

I'm amazed how much I've abused my body in the past few months. Since I've stopped working, I've been sleeping about 10 hours a day and still feel tired. I've been avoiding doing most things on the computer as well. I've started getting my house back into order. I was shocked when I finally went through all the mail I hadn't opened and threw out the crap yesterday.

I was so happy to cook myself a good meal. I made chicken and wild rice casserole which was delicious. I made much more than I really needed to, but it reheats very well and I'll be enjoying the leftovers for a few days. I missed cooking a lot more than I thought. I'm spending the rest of the week and weekend being pretty domestic. I'm not even planning on going anywhere to watch the Superbowl. I figure that with some good home cooked food and a six-pack or two, I'll be set.

The only bad thing right now is that I have no car. I've dealt with three weaselly salemen lately, and I've left the encounters with each feeling like I need to kill them to clense humanity of it's filth. I'm not too big on salesmen, but car sales seems to be slimier than most. Oh well, next week I'll start looking for a car again.

Maybe I'll win the lottery tonight and can stay in low stress mode the rest of my life. Wonderful thought, eh?

Y'all can blame it all on the alcohol

2006-02-02T01:54:00.000-06:00

I'm hammered. I'm blitzed out of my gourd and funny as hell. And no one cares.

I've gotten 2 calls in the last week, both from my boss. I went to the bar and only my best friend showed up. The cute bartender did too, but she's paid to be there and to be nice to me. I tip her well for putting up with my bullshit. Nobody else wants to.

I feel depressions sneaking up and bludgeoning me since I have the strong feeling that nobody really cares about me. I have felt no love in my life and since I'm drunk right now, it makes me just want to cry.

Not that anyone really cares. Sorry, just venting here so I don't curl up in a corner and start pointing my Glock at my head. I'm not really dumb enough to do that, but I feel no love at all, and it hurts like hell. Where is the person to accept me for who I am and give a damn? I miss her.

Bonus points for anyone to recognise the band who used the lyric or any of them in the past few weeks.

Why can't we sleep forever? I just want to start this over

2006-01-31T21:52:00.000-06:00

I'm tired (go figure) and a bit dazed. First of all, I was so wound up from all sorts of things that I didn't get to sleep until 4:30am this morning. Only to wake up at 7am to start my drive to drop off the company car at the regional office. It's been a long day.

It was an odd day overall particularly because my boss wasn't even in the office. I got the last few things done, turned in my car, and got dropped off at the airport. I am now home with no car and no job. I'm looking forward to hopefully getting some serious sleep tonight after I post this, and to the trip to the bar tomorrow night. Since I'm not driving, I'm probably going to get good and drunk. I seriously need it.

Anyway, this is absolute crap for a post, but it's all that the mush that is my brain can put together right now. Tomorrow will have more about the week leading up to today and possibly more. I'm bet yer a'tinglin' with excitement. *laughs*

Sweet dreams.

Hindsight is always 20/20, but looking back it's still a bit fuzzy

2006-01-24T21:45:00.000-06:00

My weekend was not fun at all. I couldn't sleep for most of it and when I did, it was a little catnap here and there that lasted until another wave o' pain struck. I am wondering how my immune system is holding up right now. With my mood and the stress, I'm surprised that I haven't crashed and burned yet.

I did have a very weird experience last night, tho. I had been up for almost 40 hours at that point since I had gotten my tooth fixed that day and other things had been going on. Days are all blurring together from the last half a week to a week anyway. I was sitting down trying to read a screen to set up my last hotel stays for this and next week. While looking at the monitor, it all started to blur, then weave. After that, things started all going into slow motion for a time, than would swing back to real time. Lots of other weird things started happenning as well which was freaking me out. Good thing that the rational part of my brain kicked in and let me know I was probably hallucinating from the lack of sleep. I've never had that happen before, and all I can say is that if I was hallucinating, I'm damn sure not going to take acid. I can say that not being able to tell what's real and not real is very freaky.

Anyway, I'm alternating between two moods lately. I swing from horny as hell, to very bummed out. Neither is condusive to any work, which is stressing me out firther. Every time I've took a peek at my options, they don't look good. I've been handed a 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10 of many kinds of suits, and I'm forced to play this one out. Anyway, I better get some sleep. Tomorrow I drive back to Des Moines yet again.